Today was my fourth round of radiation and it’s going well.  I haven’t had a skin reaction yet (that shows up in a few more days) and I’m tired. 

My emotion for radiation is anger.  I find myself getting very angry.  I’m laying on a table in the middle of a big room completely exposed with my feet banded together, my arms in stirrups above my head and a machine going around me zapping my insides.  I’m not sure where the anger comes in, but that’s how I feel when I’m laying there for my five minute zap.  Maybe it’s because I’m cancer free and yet this is another treatment with more side effects to deal with.  All I know is that it’s not self pity.  It’s anger.  The pity comes later when I’m so tired that changing another diaper feels like climbing a mountain. 

The only lasting side effect I have from chemo is forgetfulness. 

The lasting side effect from surgery is loss of motion in my right arm, but that’s working out with physical therapy which I go to once a week. 

On a positive note we went to Haven’s Christmas Program Sunday night and it was awesome.   All the kids did a great job, but we’re especially proud of Brooklyn.  I will have to get Dusty to post a video from last year’s program compared to this year’s program.  Last year she refused to sing.  She would make eye contact with us in the audience, cross her arms and whip her head to the side with her chin up as a non verbal sign that we can’t make her sing.  This year we used threats and guilt to make her sing.  Dusty threatened no Christmas presents (okay I thought that was extreme) and I said she is singing for Jesus because we’re celebrating his birthday and he wants to see and hear her sing.  She performed like a Broadway star.  Motions…singing…it was beautiful. 

The other good news is that I can lift Max and Samantha again.  They have started to take some steps by themselves without holding on to anything.  They’ll be walking in no time.  It will be a Christmas miracle for Samantha.  Especially when I look back to last year and her being able to walk was at the bottom of our list of worries for her. 

I can’t believe it’s going to be Christmas next week.  I cheated this year and bought Christmas tree cookies from Meijer.  The energy I do have I want to spend with my kids, so if you’re a recipient of one of those cookies I apologize. 🙂