Chemo and the Clinical Trial Drug is given to me in 21 day cycles.  Two weeks on, one week off.  Start again.  Two weeks on, one week off.  Again and again and again.  My life will be lived in 21 day cycles.  Strange thought.  Right now I’m in my first “week off” and it’s not how I thought it would be.  While it’s not as horrible as A/C and Taxol, it’s not a walk in the park either.  So far I’ve had terrible stomach aches, migraines, extreme fatigue, nausea, vomiting and chills.  On Sunday when it was 80 degrees outside, I was under three blankets and couldn’t get warm.  I wanted to turn on the fireplace and lay in front of it.  I was so tired I laid on the couch or bed all day.

I’d like to say THANK YOU for all the freezer meals.  They are being used faster than what I thought.  They’ve been such a blessing.  Dusty has his hands full with the kids so it’s one less thing for him to do.  We’re fine with them eating mac and cheese or spaghettios, but not at every meal.  So this gives both of us peace of mind that they’re getting a good meal too.  God bless you.

On a brighter note, it’s birthday season in our household.  Believe it or not, but Max and Samantha turn three on Saturday.  It’s been so fun watching them grow.  Kind of sad because I feel like I’ve been doing it from the sidelines, but blessed that I’ve been here nonetheless.  Max loves wearing his Detroit Tigers hat and his sunglasses.  He loves riding the tractor with Papa Mel and going to “Donald’s” (McDonalds) for nuggets and “hot fries” with Papa Dale.  Samantha calls everyone in the family “honey pie” and jumps all around.  She loves watching Mickey Mouse and it’s what she asks for from sun up to sun down.  She also follows her big sister wherever she goes. cialis online

My dad and Jill both have their birthdays next week Tuesday, October 18.  I will not divulge their ages, but if you see them, give them a big hug and wish them happy birthday.

Brooklyn turns eight on Sunday, October 23!  Can you believe that?!  EIGHT!  I look at her little life and realize she’s been through so much.  The past three years haven’t been easy or normal for her.  Whatever normal is.  I remember when Max and Samantha were born she was nine days away from turning five.  She was so confused as to where her sister was and why she couldn’t see her.  She would come to the hospital and hold Max and then wonder about Samantha.  Nine days later, on Brooklyn’s 5th birthday – October 23, 2008, the doctors at DeVos released Samantha from the hospital.  Brooklyn still talks about that being the best birthday present.

So in a nutshell, life is tiring and busy right now.  I am greatly blessed by having the husband, kids, family and friends that I do.  I couldn’t do this without them.

Dusty and I met with Dr. Schott at U of M yesterday and went over our options.  She said that while I do qualify for two of their clinical trials, one of them doesn’t make a lot of sense for me. 

That left either a clinical trial or a standard method of treatment.  She explained the pros and cons of both and the three of us decided to go for the clinical trial.  There are only 40 people in the United States that will do this trial.  U of M has five spaces and one of them has already been used (successfully!).  I will be their second guinea pig. 

I suppose I should feel fortunate that I qualify for a clinical trial.  That it could prove successful in treating cancer and someday be passed by the FDA and given to patients.  At the same time, it shows just how bad my cancer is.  Depressing.

The clinical trial is a parp inhibitor with chemo given through an IV.  The catch to all of this, is that within the next ten days I need to get an MRA (yes A, not I) of my brain, more lab work and a power port put back in.  I’m getting a Power Port put back in next week Thursday – Thank you Dr. Hoberman!  I can check that off the list.  I’m on the “urgent board” at U of M for the MRA.  I will need to leave at a moments notice when they call.  My first treatment/infusion is scheduled for September 27.  Yikes.   

This treatment plan will be a grueling as far as time is concerned.  We don’t know how it’s going to affect me physically yet.  The treatment HAS to take place at U of M in Ann Arbor.  It cannot be done at Metro Health who is affiliated with U of M.  Bummer.  

I will go to U of M twice a week for two weeks then get one week off and start all over again (21 day cycle).  It’s a lot of back and forth.  It will be like losing two days each week between all the traveling and getting the infusions.  This will go on as long as I’m responding to treatment (6 months +) or until I call it quits.  Dusty is going to have his hands full!  So please say a lot of prayers for him.   

Now I need to ask for help.  If you know me, you know I don’t like to ask for help and I don’t like to accept it.  So here it goes.  If anyone is willing to bring a freezer meal, it would be greatly appreciated.  We have a deep freezer in the basement which we emptied when we moved.  It’s still 95% empty.  I will happily accept meals until it’s full.  If you can bring us a meal, please send me an email to let me know when you can drop it off:  lindyvb@hotmail.com.  We eat anything.  Just not deer or buffalo or horse or frogs, snake or anything crazy.  Just normal stuff.  That would be a tremendous help.  Did I mention we’re Vegans?  Just kidding.

Keep Holding On…   

If my scanxiety had a color coded level like the terror threat level, my scanxiety level would be on red.  I leave for U of M on Tuesday at o’dark-thirty and we’ll have the results on Thursday.  Either way, I’m fairly sure I’ll start Xeloda (chemo pill).  Oh and I know our government no longer uses the color coded threat level system.

To read Time Magazine’s article about Scanxiety click below.  It’s a good read.  http://www.time.com/time/specials/packages/article/0,28804,2075133_2075127_2075107,00.html

Moving on…

Brooklyn began second grade with Mrs. Cousins on Tuesday and while this wasn’t her first crack at school, it was her first time on the bus.  Oh my oh my, I think I said 50 prayers that day.  Please let someone allow her sit with them…Please don’t let anyone be mean to her…Please let her get off the bus at the right spot…Please let her find the right bus after school…Please let her get off the bus when it gets back to the point where she got on, etc.

I think I earned the gold medal for most worried and spazed out mom about the bus.  In my defense, not only could I see the school from where we lived last year, I could see her classroom window from our living room.  I know it’s time to loosen the apron strings, but I’m not cutting them yet.

She got off the bus that day smiling from ear to ear.  She loves the bus, her teacher and all her friends.  Thank God for small blessings.  Thank God for Alex Boeve who made room for Brooklyn in his seat that morning.  Thank you Alex!  I could hug you.  I won’t because I know it might embarass you.

We had a retirement Open House for my dad last night.  He worked with Genzink Plumbing for 44 years.  For those of you dying to know, he owns around 960 hats.  I can’t remember the exact number he gave me, but it’s around there.

I will let you know what we find out on Thursday with regards to my scans.

Dusty and I were able to escape to Boyne Mountain this week to celebrate our 13 year marriage!  What a blessing it was to have that opportunity.  The weather was beautiful, I felt up to it, and I had hair!  I celebrated our last two anniversaries bald.  We had a great time. 

On our anniversary, we went Ziplining down the mountain.  It was 10 ziplines that takes two hours to complete.  I even did a front flip off one of the zipline platforms.  It was awesome!  Talk about feeling alive. 

A few weeks ago, we were able to celebrate my nieces first birthday.  She is absolutely adorable. 

Summer is coming to a close (single tear running down cheek) and Brooklyn will soon be starting 2nd grade and RIDING THE BUS!  I can’t believe it.  I feel this need to try and squeeze in everything we didn’t do yet.   

Throughout all the loveliness of the last few weeks, there is a little monster that is rearing it’s ugly head again.  My headaches are back.  So much so, that I found it necessary to call U of M yesterday.  My next scans are scheduled for September 13, but they want to get my brain MRI done before that.  I fear the worse (more tumors), but am hoping for the best.  The headaches are very similar to my headaches I had when the tumors were first found just over a year ago. 

Please pray the cancer is not active in my brain again.

Please pray my headaches will be controlled.

Please pray for a cure!

Praise God for the caring hands that love my children.

Praise God for the doctors who work so hard to take care of cancer patients.

Praise God!

Keep holding on…

Hanging with my kids (excuse my hair)

I can’t believe summer is halfway over.  I’ve been trying to do what I purposed this summer for – enjoy my kids.  This is what we’ve done so far…

1.  Moved into our house.  We are settled in.  It’s starting to feel like “home”.  We see a little grass in the yard and we can’t wait until it’s all filled in.  The pool is across the street and we love it. 

2.  We had a week at a cottage:

3.  Enjoyed the Herman Miller Picnic:

4.  Survived Swimming Lessons:

5.  Had a blast at Great Wolf Lodge in Traverse City

The night before we left for Great Wolf in Traverse City, I had Max at Urgent Care where he was diagnosed with half an ear infection and half swimmers ear.  Poor little guy.  So here he is getting drops in his ear.  🙁

Put your paws up

I’m feeling pretty good.  I have a lot of back, neck and shoulder pain.  I don’t know why I have pain in my back.  My shoulder pain is due to arthiritis.  My neck pain is due to a muscle that won’t stop spasming.  I’m still tired, but the NEED for a nap is gone.  Yea!  Since I had so much radiation done to my brain, we are watching for neuropathy in my arms, hands, legs and feet.  I’ve been having some pain in my arm, elbow and all the way down to my pinky finger.  Not fun, but I can still function.  I mean hey, I’m still typing right? 

I’m having this inner battle lately.  I don’t know why.  I don’t know what it is.  I don’t know where it’s coming from.  I have this terrible feeling that I’m not going to win this time.  There I said it.  I feel weak.  Physically and mentally weak.  Faced with breast cancer a few years ago I knew I was going to beat it.  I stayed positive and kept fighting. 

A year ago when it reappeared in my brain, I was sitting wide awake on a gurney at Mayo.  I had a doctor on each side of me turning screws into my skull for a halo and I thought, this isn’t for nothing we’re gonna blast those tumors outta my brain.  We did.  Except for two little spots that remain and we can’t prove they’re tumors. 

This time it’s in my lungs and the plan is that I will start the chemo pill Xeloda in September.  This time, however, my body has been poisoned, it’s bruised, it’s battered, it has seen battles and I don’t know if it’s physically ready to handle another one.  Mentally I’m not as strong as I once was.  I never minded needles before.  I didn’t like them, but I wasn’t phobic.  Now I have anxiety every time I need to have blood drawn or an injection given!  Time magazine recently had an article entitled Scanxiety and it described exactly how I feel.  When did I become so weak?!  I’m such a wuss.  This isn’t who I was.  I don’t even know who I am anymore. 

So for now I wait until September when I go back to Dr. Schott for more scans.  Three things could be seen:

1.  The spots in my lungs are gone – MIRACLE! With no new spots found.

2.  The spots haven’t changed.

3.  The spots grew. 

There is never a time that cancer is free from my mind.  Never.  It’s ALWAYS there.  It weighs me down.  It’s a burden.  It’s there when we’re moving into our new house.  When I watch Brooke swim like a fish on her last day of swimming lessons. It came along to Great Wolf with us and hung over me while Max and my dad figured out every little wheel and lever on Fort Mackenzie.  It’s there when I watch Max and Samantha go from staying on the steps of the pool, and now with beaming faces, jumping in without abandon.  It’s robbing me of full joy and I hate it for that. 

Cancer has, however, brought some really awesome people into my life.  It has shown me ways to serve others and how to show love.

Prayer Requests:

1.  I will be strong enough to face the journey ahead – findings, treatment, etc.

2.  Pray for a miracle. 

3.  Our family as they endure cancer with me. 

4.  A cure!