Ver Beek Blog

Dusty and I were able to escape to Boyne Mountain this week to celebrate our 13 year marriage!  What a blessing it was to have that opportunity.  The weather was beautiful, I felt up to it, and I had hair!  I celebrated our last two anniversaries bald.  We had a great time. 

On our anniversary, we went Ziplining down the mountain.  It was 10 ziplines that takes two hours to complete.  I even did a front flip off one of the zipline platforms.  It was awesome!  Talk about feeling alive. 

A few weeks ago, we were able to celebrate my nieces first birthday.  She is absolutely adorable. 

Summer is coming to a close (single tear running down cheek) and Brooklyn will soon be starting 2nd grade and RIDING THE BUS!  I can’t believe it.  I feel this need to try and squeeze in everything we didn’t do yet.   

Throughout all the loveliness of the last few weeks, there is a little monster that is rearing it’s ugly head again.  My headaches are back.  So much so, that I found it necessary to call U of M yesterday.  My next scans are scheduled for September 13, but they want to get my brain MRI done before that.  I fear the worse (more tumors), but am hoping for the best.  The headaches are very similar to my headaches I had when the tumors were first found just over a year ago. 

Please pray the cancer is not active in my brain again.

Please pray my headaches will be controlled.

Please pray for a cure!

Praise God for the caring hands that love my children.

Praise God for the doctors who work so hard to take care of cancer patients.

Praise God!

Keep holding on…

Hanging with my kids (excuse my hair)

Yes friends it’s that time of year again.  Time to lace up your tennis shoes, tenny-boppers, kicks, high tops, low tops, whatever you have and get ready to crawl, walk, jog, run or race.

Jill and Jen have organized a For The Love of Lindy team to support Race for the Cure.  This is our third year and I hope you can make it.  We had a great team last year.  Thank you for signing up in the years past and I hope you’ll do it again.  It’s a lot of fun.

Click on the following link to sign up:

http://westmichigan.info-komen.org/site/TR/RacefortheCure/GRR_WestMichiganAffiliate?pg=team&fr_id=2147&team_id=177464

I can’t believe summer is halfway over.  I’ve been trying to do what I purposed this summer for - enjoy my kids.  This is what we’ve done so far…

1.  Moved into our house.  We are settled in.  It’s starting to feel like “home”.  We see a little grass in the yard and we can’t wait until it’s all filled in.  The pool is across the street and we love it. 

2.  We had a week at a cottage:

3.  Enjoyed the Herman Miller Picnic:

4.  Survived Swimming Lessons:

5.  Had a blast at Great Wolf Lodge in Traverse City

The night before we left for Great Wolf in Traverse City, I had Max at Urgent Care where he was diagnosed with half an ear infection and half swimmers ear.  Poor little guy.  So here he is getting drops in his ear. 

Put your paws up

I’m feeling pretty good.  I have a lot of back, neck and shoulder pain.  I don’t know why I have pain in my back.  My shoulder pain is due to arthiritis.  My neck pain is due to a muscle that won’t stop spasming.  I’m still tired, but the NEED for a nap is gone.  Yea!  Since I had so much radiation done to my brain, we are watching for neuropathy in my arms, hands, legs and feet.  I’ve been having some pain in my arm, elbow and all the way down to my pinky finger.  Not fun, but I can still function.  I mean hey, I’m still typing right? 

I’m having this inner battle lately.  I don’t know why.  I don’t know what it is.  I don’t know where it’s coming from.  I have this terrible feeling that I’m not going to win this time.  There I said it.  I feel weak.  Physically and mentally weak.  Faced with breast cancer a few years ago I knew I was going to beat it.  I stayed positive and kept fighting. 

A year ago when it reappeared in my brain, I was sitting wide awake on a gurney at Mayo.  I had a doctor on each side of me turning screws into my skull for a halo and I thought, this isn’t for nothing we’re gonna blast those tumors outta my brain.  We did.  Except for two little spots that remain and we can’t prove they’re tumors. 

This time it’s in my lungs and the plan is that I will start the chemo pill Xeloda in September.  This time, however, my body has been poisoned, it’s bruised, it’s battered, it has seen battles and I don’t know if it’s physically ready to handle another one.  Mentally I’m not as strong as I once was.  I never minded needles before.  I didn’t like them, but I wasn’t phobic.  Now I have anxiety every time I need to have blood drawn or an injection given!  Time magazine recently had an article entitled Scanxiety and it described exactly how I feel.  When did I become so weak?!  I’m such a wuss.  This isn’t who I was.  I don’t even know who I am anymore. 

So for now I wait until September when I go back to Dr. Schott for more scans.  Three things could be seen:

1.  The spots in my lungs are gone - MIRACLE! With no new spots found.

2.  The spots haven’t changed.

3.  The spots grew. 

There is never a time that cancer is free from my mind.  Never.  It’s ALWAYS there.  It weighs me down.  It’s a burden.  It’s there when we’re moving into our new house.  When I watch Brooke swim like a fish on her last day of swimming lessons. It came along to Great Wolf with us and hung over me while Max and my dad figured out every little wheel and lever on Fort Mackenzie.  It’s there when I watch Max and Samantha go from staying on the steps of the pool, and now with beaming faces, jumping in without abandon.  It’s robbing me of full joy and I hate it for that. 

Cancer has, however, brought some really awesome people into my life.  It has shown me ways to serve others and how to show love.

Prayer Requests:

1.  I will be strong enough to face the journey ahead - findings, treatment, etc.

2.  Pray for a miracle. 

3.  Our family as they endure cancer with me. 

4.  A cure!

We’ve had a busy week and I’m sorry I haven’t updated with my decision for treatment.  The three spots of  metastisized cancer that can be seen in my lungs are very small.  Two are 2 mm. and one is 6 mm. 

After confirming with Dr. Schott that it makes no difference whether we treat now or later, I/we decided to enjoy the summer with the kids.  I’ve been sick for the last three summers.  So if given a choice, I choose feeling as good as I possibly can and enjoying the time I have with my kids and husband. 

My next scans are scheduled for mid September.  Such is living life in three month increments…

Thank you for your prayers, cards, emails and kind words of support.  Living with cancer is not easy.  Having your faith tested over and over again is hard.  Knowing others are holding us up if and when we can’t, is awesome. 

Thanks and love you all.

P.S.  Thanks to our small group for stopping by last week.  :) 

My grandma has been wanting to go see Jesus for a while.  On Saturday, at the age of 92, she got her wish.  She fell at the nursing home, fractured her hip and hit her head.  Fifteen hours later she was home with Jesus.  She went peacefully.  What a blessing.

We had the visitation last night and the is funeral today.  She was an awesome, tough as nails, yet tenderhearted woman.  She made quilts, pies and balkenbrij.  Balkenbrij is a Dutch dish and you don’t want to know what’s in it.  Okay I’ll tell you.  Pigs head.  That’s right.  You take a pigs head, boil it and pull the meat off, smoosh it up with other stuff and make a loaf out of it.  Cut it into slices and fry it.  Eeeeewwwww.  My dad loves it.  She always had lemon drops and peppermints on her counter.  She will be missed, but I smile because she’s with Jesus - right where she wanted to be.

I was able to see most of my aunts and uncles last night who I haven’t seen since my latest cancer findings.  They were so encouraging and really lifted my spirits.  I was talking to my Uncle Gary about how this is the third time cancer has been found and it gets so hard.  Hard to understand why this keeps happening to me.  Hard to think about what treatment to do.  Hard to think about the road ahead.

My Uncle Gary and Aunt Shirley go to Forest Grove CRC.  Recently they had a guest pastor who had a very inspiring message.  He said if you could ask the people in heaven one question, what would it be?  He said “Was it worth it?”  Abraham - Was it worth leaving everything and going to the desert all those years?  Moses - Was it worth it?  Job - Was it worth it?  Paul - Was it worth it?  Amazing, thought provoking question for me.  It’s still running through my mind.  Was it worth it.  All this cancer in me and the hell it keeps putting my family through is for a reason.  Don’t know what the reason is, but I was chosen to bear this cross and I will.  Someday we’ll stand at the pearly gates and be asked “was it worth it”?  Now that’s perspective.  Thanks Uncle Gary.

Please pray for guidance for Dusty and I as we meet with Dr. Schott on Friday to discuss treatment courses.

I hate it when people say that, don’t you?  What do you want first?  I usually ask for the bad news first.  So I’ll starts there.

First, thank you to everyone who has prayed for me and my family with this past trip to U of M.  Last weekend (Friday and Saturday) I went to U of M to have my usual tests done.  Today Jill and I went to get the results.  We met with Dr. Schott and while my brain  and bones looks good, my lungs don’t.  I have three tiny spots on my lungs.  They are from my original breast cancer.  This is an aggressive cancer that has metastised not only in my brain, but is now building a home in my lungs.  Stupid cancer. 

When Dr. Schott delivered the news, I sat in shock.  I don’t know if it was my eyes or Jill’s eyes that welled up first, but as soon as Dr. Schott offered the tissues we were done for.  I sat there fighting tears and the need to cry.  Telling myself “pull yourself together” and “you need to listen to what she’s saying”.  So jamming my jaw shut and focusing on a medical instrument across the room I retrained myself as best as possible.  Finally someone asked, “what are you thinking?”  All I could say was “Oh Sh*t”.  Sorry mom and dad.  But that’s all I was thinking.  Oh  ….  the cancer is building a new home.  Oh  ….  the cancer is trying to steal more time away from my husband and kids.  Oh …. the cancer is burdening my family AGAIN.  Oh  …. just when I was starting to feel better.  So yes,  I’m sorry if I offend you, but oh sh*t is all I could say.  To follow that up, how dare it return?!  How dare it after all it’s done to my family and friends return to a new spot and take up residence.  Stupid cancer. 

As I said with brain cancer, I’m gonna go down swinging.   Now we’re faced with another decision to make.  How to treat these little spots.  I have three options.  1.  A chemo pill.  2.  Wait and see if the spots grow.  3.  A clinical trial.  We have a week to decide.  We’ll be praying hard. 

The good news is that we’re moving into our new house tomorrow!  We are excited for that change.  I’ll miss our Paw Paw drive house and all our neighbors.  Everyone has been so good to us. 

Please pray for us as we make a treatment decision. 

Things are going reasonably well.  My hair is back.  My headaches are, for the most part, under control.  My appetite is back.  My nausea is gone.  My two-year-olds are potty training.  My seven-year-old is almost done with first grade.  We are closing on our Paw Paw Drive house this week.  I go to U of M for an MRI of my brain, CT scan of abdomen and pelvis, labwork and bone scan next week.  As usual, I start to get nervous right around this time because I don’t know what the scans are going to show.  I hope for the best and prepare for the worst. 

Building our new house has been fun and a nice distraction from cancer life.  It’s coming along nicely. 

Speaking of cancer life, my cancer club met this week at Applebee’s.  It was nice to see everyone.  Well…almost everyone.  Heather and Amy couldn’t be there.  Kristi Rogaslke is not doing well and is at the end.  Please pray for her and her family.  http://www.briankristi.blogspot.com/

Thank you for your prayers for our family.  I still deal with fatigue, pain and the occasional migraine.  Oh and I can’t forget the lymphedema.  Blah. 

Max loves to do whatever the guys do.  Dusty’s washing the van.  Max is washing his car.  Too cute.

http://vimeo.com/10695035

As of 3:45 today Spring Break has officially begun!  Yahooooooooo.  We’re not going away this year because we have too much going on, but it’ll be fun nonetheless.

I’m putting a post out because I’ve been having a rough time getting off the steroid.  If you have a moment to pray today, could you put one up there for me?  I will take my last dose of the steroid on Friday.  Tapering off has been brutal and I’ve had every side effect possible.  You name, I’ve had it.   Nausea, vomitting, migraines (they put my on a new migraine med and it’s helped tremendously - PTL), fatigue, muscle aches/pains, the blahs, etc.  The NP at Dr. Schott’s office said they will go away in about a month and I just need to press on.  So press on I shall.  In the meantime, it’s gonna suck, but I’ll be fine.  I’ll be fine….I say that a lot lately. 

Oh great God be small enough to hear me now. 

I wish you all a wonderful Spring Break with your families no matter where you spend it.  Be safe, Be kind, Be a blessing. 

Oh how things have changed in the past two years.  Brooklyn was five when I was first diagnosed.  I remember telling her that I have cancer and her response was something like “Oh no.  Can I watch a movie now?”

Saturday night Dusty and I were in the living room watching TV.  The kids had been in a bed for well over an hour, Brooklyn must have had trouble getting to sleep.  She walked in the living room with tears rolling down her cheeks and in a very small voice she asks ”Mom…what if the cancer wins?” (more tears and a few sobs).  Wow.  She’s seven now and has come along way since five.  She asked me a similar question when she was five and I said that I will get to go to heaven if the cancer wins.  Her response at that time was that I’ll finally know what Jesus and God look like. 

I sat there for a while not knowing which answer to go with.  We’ve always tried to be as honest as possible with her.  Should I be honest again and say I’ll die?  This is clearly not the time to talk about mom dying.  This poor child is scared out of her mind.  She goes on to say “I need a mom”.  That sound you may have heard rumble throughout the town was my heart breaking.  The only thing I could say was that I want to be her mom and I’m going to fight the cancer with everything I have.  I told her the doctors say the disease is stable and I’m doing as good as I can be with my diagnosis.  We need to keep praying and trust that God will heal me.  She understands that my cancer is from satan and not God.  That God loves us.  Such a difficult subject to talk about with a seven year old. 

It’s amazing who cancer affects and in how many different ways.  Poor kid.  No seven year old should have to deal with the thoughts that she has.  She also sobbed that “daddy will never get married again!” I told her that if I’m not here anymore, daddy could get married again and that I’m okay with it (as long as she’s perfect). 

As far as my health, I’ve been tapering off the Prednisone and it’s not going very well.  I am going to press on and get off the steroids because I need to.  However, I’ve had migraines nearly every day (I think that’s what scares Brooklyn) and my fatigue is getting slightly worse. No fun. 

Our house is moving along well.  Everyone has been working hard on it. 

Please Pray: 

• Please pray for Brooklyn as she stumbles through the web of cancer. 
• Pray that we, as her parents, will know what to say. 
• Pray that my adrenal gland kicks into full gear.
• Pray for my Cancer Club friends in their different stages of the disease.
• Praise for my family and friends who help our family in many ways.