No one knows when their last breath will be taken. Not many people are given a time frame on their life. When you are given a time frame, it makes things different. Everything is different. Every moment of every day is different. I look at my kids differently. I’m incredibly thankful for the time I’ve had so far with them. I wonder how much longer I’ll get? My hope is that it’s many years.
The time I spend with Dusty is different. Not that he ever got on my nerves, but let’s say if he did occasionally, he doesn’t anymore. I’m just happy to be with him. Things don’t annoy me anymore. The moments I spend with my parents, family and friends is different. I soak all of it in. I’m grateful for it.
I recently received a letter from a man at church who lost his wife to cancer. I don’t think he’ll mind me telling you that his prayer to God was he would give them five more years. Five more years. God gave them five more years. She was a wonderful woman.
I’ve been given a year, but the five years has been on my mind. Then I think to myself that I want more than five years. I want way more than five years. How much is too much to ask? In five years Brooklyn will be almost 12. Max and Samantha will be almost 7. They have too much life ahead of them to spend without a mom. Scrap the five years.
Do I ask for ten years? That puts Brooklyn at 16 (almost 17). By then she’ll have survived middle school and have been through driver’s training. Maybe she’ll have been through her first heartbreak (hopefully not) and had her first fight with her friends. Max and Samantha will be 11 (almost 12). I’m terrible with knowing what grade they’ll be in, but I would imagine it would be around the sixth grade. Just beginning those ever changing middle school years. They need a mom for this. I need to be here. Scrap the ten years.
How much is too much to ask? I know that my days are numbered as are the rest of my family’s. I believe I need to rest in God’s undying love for me and my family. I know that His will is perfect. I need to trust and be still.
If you’re wondering, I’m not angry at God. I haven’t been angry yet. I’m tired. I’m sick of it. I’m sad that he chose this daughter of His to have struggles. I do wonder why. Why couldn’t it have ended with breast cancer? That would’ve been enough for me.
I never saw myself as a weak person, but that’s how I feel most days. I don’t want to be the girl with reoccurring terminal brain cancer. The one people give head tilt looks of pity to. The one that all of these AWESOME people are organizing fundraiser events for. I can’t believe I’m that girl. I’m the girl who since on steroids for my brain swelling has gained another 10 pounds. I am currently 35+ pounds beyond where I normally am. I look in the mirror and don’t recognize myself. I’m heavy. My head is burnt from radiation and starting to peel. Did I mention that my reconstruction surgery had to be postponed? I barely recognize myself. A tiny fraction of what I looked like 1 1/2 years ago is still there. That’s hard.
I want to be the girl who organizes the fundraisers for someone else. Who donates the $20.00 for someone else’s family. Who gives all their pop cans and returns all of them (thank you Jen) to give the money to someone else’s family. Who organizes a bake sale, jewelry show, repairs their van and so much more for someone else’s family. It is so humbling to be where I am. I am so thankful for everyone who has stepped forward and is working on or has already helped our family. Thank you.
I’m also scared. Scared for what Mayo Clinic and Duke will tell me. Will they offer a new treatment? Will they offer surgery? What if they tell me they have nothing for me? Fear is from my enemy. I know that God is better than any doctor on the face of this earth. He is the only one who can cure my cancer. No one else. He’s it. I need to trust that. Put my fear away and rest in God.
On a MUCH lighter note. I can’t end this on a ranting pity party for myself.
I did have a great Saturday making salsa with my friend Jill. We planted some (by some, I mean at least 10) tomato plants in my parent’s garden and we have tomatoes coming out of our ears. So we made the Bazan’s Sweet Salsa recipe (thank you Lindsay). If you want it, I don’t think she’d mind me giving it to you. It was easy and it’s really good. It’s sweet though, so it’s not a traditional salsa if that’s what you’re looking for.
Courage is not the absence of fear…
This was the motto for a 8th Grade boy at my child’s school. He had Leukemia…
You are so right, God is in charge…he makes all the final decisions. It seems you and he are “tight”…so we will keep praying and you keep pleading…50 is a good SOLID number…ask for that! 🙂
You are beautiful inside and out. Stronger than what you give yourself credit for, and loved by God and so many others. I am praying that God gives you strength, courage, and life.
Lindy – your faith in God is rock solid strong – and with that strong faith I believe that He wouldn’t put any desires in your heart that aren’t lined up with His will for your life, and if your desire is to live a long long life, then that will happen. You are such a testimony. Praying always!
p.s. – remember to be careful with the jalepenos 🙂
Dear Lindy, Just before I logged onto your website I had been praying for you. What comes to my mind every time I think of you is your courage to see things as they are but also believe that they will get better. So when you describe yourself as weak it doesn’t fit my mental image of you at all. You are strong because you have God on your side, in your heart and in your mind. God is growing you strong through cancer but I believe whole heartedly that one day God will say “Lindy, I healed you because you believed. Continue to be strong so you can help the weak.” And Lindy; I know you will.
Praying that each day that passes you will feel stronger and the side-effects from the radiation will go away.
You are a beautiful person, both inside and out, Lindy.
(((Hugs)))
Hi Lindy,
I was sent your blog address by a friend of mine. I have been following it faithfully. Last night I read this post and was really so very sad. I wondered what I would feel if I was in your shoes…..can’t get there….
I went to bed and pulled out the book I have been reading, “A Million Miles in a Thousand Years”, by Donald Miller. Anyhow, page 197-the page I opened said this:
“The oldest book of the Bible is supposedly the Book of Job. It is a book about suffering, and it reads as though God is saying to the world, ‘Before we get started, there is one thing I have to tell you. Things are going to get bad.’
Job is a good man whom God allows to be destroyed, except for his life. God allows Job’s family to be taken, along with his wealth and his health. Job calls out to God, asking why God would let this happen.
God does not answer Job’s questions. It’s as though God starts off his message to the world by explaining there are painful realties in life we cannot and will not understand. Instead, he appears to Job in a whirlwind and asks if Job knows who stops the waves on the shore or stores the snow in Wichita every winter. He asks Job who manages the constellations that reel through the night sky.
And that is essentailly all God says to Job. God doesn’t explain pain philosophically or even list its benefits. God says to Job, ‘Job, I know what I am doing, and this whole thing isn’t about you.’
Job responds, even before his health and wealth are restored by saying, ‘All of this is too wonderful for me.’ Job found comfort and even joy, outside the context of comfort, health or stability. He understood the story was not about him, and he cared more about the story than he did about himself.”
I still didn’t better about your suffering after reading that passage…but I was convinced that God is with you in it.
“Know one knows when their last breath will be taken.”
Yes, your words are true. Only God knows. I think when we go deep and capture this in our hearts we begin to taste freedom.
I am praying for you and your family. The love you and Dusty have for one another is beautiful beyond words..it is the love written about in our Bible…Gods poem to us.
I am praying for God to place His hand of healing on you.
I am praying that He protects you from fear and grows your strength. I am praying that He fills you with hope as you trust in Him. Man is man..but God, is God. Rest in Him. In His Grip, barb
Lindy,
I was forwarded your blog by someone and asked to keep you in my prayers. I have never met you but since I read your blog a little while back I have honestly and sincerely prayed for you everyday. I pray for you when I do laundry, when I take a walk and when I drive my kids around. I just wanted you to know that even people that you have never met are lifting you up in prayer to God.
Jen
Hi Lindy, I’d like that sweet salsa recipe. Praying for you and your family every day. Joyce Klynstra, Lansing, MI.
“God can do anything, you knowfar more than you could ever imagine or guess or request in your wildest dreams!” Ephesians 3:20 (Msg). Praying with you that He will do even more than you can ask or imagine! Lots of love and prayers, Amy
Lindy-
I couldn’t help but think of you and your thoughts on “how much is too much” while driving with the kids this morning. Jenna was listening to music as usual and belting out the words as loud as a 5 year old can. They hit me “my God is so great, so strong and so mighty there’s nothing my God cannot do, for you”….the words are SO right! Today I pray that you have the faith of a child and believe that there is NOTHING impossible for Him to do! Love & Prayers
Dear Lindy,
I know how you feel, not entirely, but I hear your words and I read my blog today to find something that I had once wrote to myself and maybe it will be of some encouragement to you. I don’t know you, but I love you, I read your blog daily, and I am praying for you as HARD as I can! My biggest weakness in my faith is WHY? I work in CT and the Lord tests this in me all the time…Even with my own health in the past. Keep fighting, HE is the ultimate physician!!!
This is from my blog and I hope it helps you too!
I could have died this past year. I make clots, these clots have caused alot of problems inside this body of mine. Its like living with cancer but its not active at the time…I look fine on the outside, I don’t feel sick now, but inside, my body is a intricate maze…..The Lord has made our bodies absolutely mind boggling! Like my gastro said the first time he saw my veins in my esophagus created as a result of my clots “if you don’t have something done, you will hemorrhage to death within a year”. Steve and I cried all the way home. Granted, I still could die at any moment, but this life is not all there is….Did I truly live that way before all of this? I can honestly admit No. Nothing happens in this world, or to me, without the will of the Lord. Sometimes I struggle with Why? Why would God want this to happen to me? Why does He want me to have so much hurt? I know why. It was to grab ahold of Lisa, wake her eyes to the beautiful life she has, the amazing family she has, and to begin living forever grateful…..To serve the Lord with all her heart. This life is going to be over at anytime, its already going before my eyes! but my heart is with the Lord. This is honestly, probably the best thing that has ever happened to me. Through my pain, struggles and suffering, Thank you LORD! I love You!
Lindy,
Again I say “thank you” for your honesty. You lay it all out there for all those praying for you to read and I personally appreciate you for that. You are right in saying that your future lays in the hands of our Lord. I will continue to pray for you that strength and peace can consume you as anticipate possible treatment options. I know that “varying in weight” can affect most women but there is absolutely NO question about you fluctuating in one area of your life… your faith. It is clear that you are firmly grounded in Christ!
Lindy, you have no idea how encouraged I am when I read your blog. You have this hope and faith that just shines through your writing!
The Lord chose you because He knew that you are the FIGHTER! You are the STRONG one, the ENCOURAGER, the child of His that will be the SHINIEST (spelling??) LIGHT that others will see and ask what is it about her? Not the extra weight, or the bald head, they will see CHRIST!
Stay strong and keep fighting!!! God is the healer and the miracle worker! We’ve seen it before and we will see it again! Love you!!
(I am so sending Dusty card 😉 )
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