My heart has been beating irregularly since Monday.  So this morning I thought I better call the doctor and figure out what it is.  They sent me straight to the E.R.  (sorry for freaking you out Kathy).

They ran an EEG, EKG, did a chest x-ray and lab work.  They found my heart is taking an extra beat and that I’m low on potassium and magnesium.  They gave me supplements and sent me on my merry way. 

So half the day was spent with the awesome people at Holland Hospital’s Emergency Department.  Jill happens to work in the E.R. so when she heard I was there, she drove over and hooked me up with all the greatest amenities (the cleanest bathrooms, disinfected x-ray room, etc – you know, the important things). 

I tell ya, just when you think you’re in the home stretch and it’s nothing but smooth sailing from now til surgery, something like today happens and throws ya for a loop.  I AM READY TO LIVE A NORMAL LIFE!  I was looking forward to bringing Brooke to school and spending the day with Kathy and the babies. 

Speaking of surgery, I was supposed to have an appointment with Dr. Hoberman (surgeon) today, but had to reschedule due to the E.R. visit.  It sounds like my surgeries are scheduled for October 23.  That also happens to be Brooklyn’s 6th birthday.  Don’t tell Brooke that my surgery will be on her birthday.  We’ll figure something out for that.  I was hoping to have the surgeries sooner, but they need to wait at least six weeks after my last chemo to perform the surgery.  It gives my body time to recover I suppose.

Thank you Kathy for taking care of Max, Samantha and Brooke today during all the drama.  Thanks mom for taking me to the E.R., bringing Brooke to and from school and being there.  Thank you Jill for coming to the hospital even though you knew I’d tell you not to.   

This is so exhausting.  I’m sick of cancer living my life. 

However, I know I’ll feel better soon and will rejoin society.  Go to Brooke’s soccer practice and games.  Seeing our small group Monday night.   Normal stuff.

And my heart is still beating irregularly…

I’m all done with chemo.  I cannot believe it.  Done.  All done!  It feels awesome and surreal.  My last treatment was today and not only that, but I don’t need to have a Neulasta shot tomorrow!  Yippee! 

Here are pictures of me receiving my first chemo in June and my last chemo today.  Please excuse how I look.  I look terrible!

This is Kendra.  She’s my nurse that has been with me since the beginning.  She always gave me my chemo and usually my fluids (when I needed them), my Neulasta shots, answered all my silly questions and held my hand through this. 

Wow…what a summer it has been.  I was diagnosed Memorial Day weekend and finished just after Labor Day weekend.  My summer was literally doing and dealing with chemo.  Even though chemo was torture, I had some pretty good highlights too.  This summer I got to see Max and Samantha start crawling, say “dada”, start standing, start cruising and feeding themselves.  I got to see Brooklyn swim all by herself and take ballet class and develop into a sweet and caring little girl.  She is such a good big sister to them.

The other thing I learned this summer is that I have really great family and friends.  I mean, I always knew all of you were terrific, but you’ve gone above and beyond what I could ever imagine.    

Part of today’s appointment was meeting with Dr. VanderWoude.  I was relieved to hear she disagrees with needing to take my ovaries.  She explained that because my BRCA tests (genetic testing) came back negative that I am not at increased risk for ovarian cancer.  I have the same odds as everyone else.  So I’ve decided not to let them take them.  I am so glad about that. 

Thank you for the flowers that you sent me today (you know who you are), the cookies, cards and emails.  I could not have made it without your support.  All of your prayers have kept me moving forward.  At my deepest darkest moments (and believe me, I had many) it helped to know that I had people pulling and praying for me.   Each of you are a part of our lives for a reason and we feel blessed to have you.  God has been good to me.

The next step is to make it through the last effects of chemo which takes about two weeks with the worst of it being this weekend.  Then an MRI to see how much the tumor shrunk.  I meet with Dr. Hoberman next week about the mastectomy and hysterectomy which will happen in October.   We don’t have a date set for that yet. 

I’ve made it this far and I believe through the worst of it.  I know surgery will be tough and radiation isn’t fun, but chemo was really hard and I’m so glad it’s done. 

I had my second to last round of chemo yesterday.  Everything went well.  My lab work is another story.  My hemoglobin (red cells) are really low so I’m anemic.  If they drop into the eights (I’m currently in the nines) I’ll need a blood transfusion.  My white blood cells were so low that they had to do a Neulasta shot today.  When white cells are low I’m very susceptible to illness so I need to avoid large crowds and public areas.  Neulasta boosts my white blood cells.  It’s a bummer though because Neulasta adds to bone, joint and muscle pain.  It’s going to be a rough weekend. 

Dusty and I met with Dr. Dodde today.  I liked him.  He’s going to be my reconstructive surgeon.  He went over three options for me.  One of which isn’t a good option (just implants).  The two options he wants me to consider are a TRAM flap or a Latissimus Dorsi flap.  I’m spare you the full details of each, but the gist for the TRAM flap is that they take your stomach muscles, tissue and skin and move them up (no implants).  The Latissimus Dorsi flap takes muscles, tissue and skin from under your arm and part of your back, bring it around front and reconstruct from there.  This would involve implants.  Either procedure takes about 5-6 hours and weeks of recovery.  I have a lot to consider.  I’m thankful I have a lot of time to weigh my options. 

It seems like I have so much going on.  Everything is changing.  It’s a lot to digest.  Please pray for guidance. 

I was so excited to see some people joined the Laps for Lindy team.  How fun!  Thank you for participating either physically and/or finacially.  That’s great!  We hope to be there cheering everyone on!

Just a quick note to say that I saw Dr. Vander Woude today.  She is extremely happy with how I’m responding to chemo.  She said the tumor continues to shrink. 

I also got the results of my genetic testing and it’s negative!  This means that I do not have a mutation of the BRCA1 or BRCA2 gene.  Therefore I do not need to have my ovaries removed and it also means that Brooklyn, Max and Samantha are not at increased risk for cancer.  We are so relieved; especially for the sake of our kids. 

Eleven years ago today I got married.  Today is our anniversary.  Some of you were there.  Do you remember it?  It was a great day.  One of the best in my life. 

Never would I have thought I’d be bald and have cancer on my 11 year anniversary.  Then again, I also never thought I’d have twins.  It just goes to show that life doesn’t always turn out the way we think it will.

As far as my cancer is concerned I’m still fighting it.  I have chemo again on Wednesday so I’m trying to enjoy today and the next few days as best as I can.  Every day is different.  Some days are okay.  Some days are really hard. 

My only goal of the day is to feel good enough to go out and celebrate our anniversary tonight.  I feel pretty good so it shouldn’t be a problem.  Nothing fabulous.  Just dinner. 

Brooklyn left today to enjoy the week camping with Bea’s and Papa.  We hope to visit them quite a bit too.  At least before chemo on Wednesday.  It will be nice to get a change of scenery.  I feel like I never leave my house! 

Samantha is pulling herself to standing by furniture all the time and I was able to witness her cruise from the exersaucer to a chair!  She took four steps.  Go Samantha!  Max still loves exploring by army crawling around.  He’s a silly little guy. 

I meet with Dr. Dodde this week.  He’s my reconstructive plastic surgeon.  I’m interested to hear what his opinion is on the type of reconstruction I should have.  I also hope to get the results of my genetic testing soon.

On a side note, check out the link Laps for Lindy.  My brother, Clair Vander Zwaag, started a Laps for Lindy team for the Susan G. Komen 5K Race For a Cure at the end of September.  If you would like to join the Laps for Lindy team, make a donation or come out to cheer everyone on feel free! 

Thank you for your prayers.  They are being felt every day. 

Thank you for the meals.  They are DELICIOUS! 

Thank you for the help with our kids.  They are loved. 

Thank you for the cards.  They are read often. 

One of the things I love to tell people is how awesome all of you are.  Random people (nurses, neighbors, family, friends, the questionnaire I fill out at the doctor’s office, etc) ask if we need help or a meal and I am so quick to let them know how wonderful our friends, family and community is.  You’ve all gone above and beyond what I think is even possible.  You have our sincerest THANK YOU. 

Only two more rounds to go!  Chemo went well on Wednesday.  The port is still working well and I didn’t have a reaction to the Taxol. 

Today the achiness and pain is really starting to set in.  The good news is that I didn’t have to get a Neulasta shot after chemo because my white blood cell count was at a good level.  Neulasta can add to the bone, muscle and joint pain.  So I hope that by not having the shot I won’t be so uncomfortable this time around. 

I see an end in sight.  Thank you for your prayers, help, concern, thoughts, emails, etc.  They mean so much to me. 

Have a great weekend! 

I haven’t written in a while because I don’t have much to say.  Yesterday I started feeling better.  Tomorrow is another round of chemo.  I have three treatments left.  I absolutely do not want to go.  Part of me wishes I had treatments every three weeks so I would have a more enjoyable life.  The other part of me wants to keep trudging through so I can be done sooner.  I’ll keep trudging.  I just want this behind us.

Our lives are organized chaos right now.  Dusty is doing well.  He’s enjoying his new role at Herman Miller.  Brooklyn is having fun wrapping up summer (now that summer weather just got here).  She had a good time seeing the play Charlotte’s Web at Hope College yesterday.  Max and Samantha are great.  Samantha is not only crawling, but can occasionally pull herself to standing!  Max still does his army crawl to get around.  It’s a very interesting maneuver.

Last Wednesday I met with the genetic testing nurse and Dr. Vander Woude.   I’ve decided to go ahead with the genetic testing.  Dr. VanderWoude is happy with the progress I’m making which is very encouraging.

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It was a rough weekend.  Friday the muscle and joint pain began.  Saturday I felt like I was hit by a bus.  The pain was nearly unbearable.  It seemed to localize in my knees and legs.  Sunday was slightly better and Monday was back to a dull ache. 

Just when I thought I was getting better, I woke up today feeling like a bus hit me again.  It’s very discouraging.  Everything hurts – muscles, joints, bones.  My knees and elbows feel like I’m being stabbed with a knife.  I’m extremely tired. 

Some days, when I allow myself to think too much, I get very overwhelmed.  The road ahead is still so long.  I wish all I had to do was complete chemo and be back to normal by the end of the summer.  Instead I have to complete chemo, have a major surgery, go through 6-8 weeks of radiation and then another major reconstructive surgery.   This won’t be over until winter.  It seems so far away. 

When I think about what we’ve been through over the past year and now the cancer, I just don’t understand why this happened to us.  I didn’t plan for Brooklyn to spend her 5th year of life with a mom who is sick and can’t do the things we would like to do together.  I didn’t plan on watching other excellent care givers help raise Max and Samantha during their first year of life.  The toll this is taking on my family is staggering.  What I know for sure is that God will see us through this.  This definitely was not what we planned, but His plan is perfect.  We have to trust in that. 

I was able to tune into the webcast of Sunday morning’s church service.  The message was awesome.  So much of it spoke directly to me.  Included in some great verses, my Jeremiah verse was shared again too.  Awesome. 

¹¹ For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. ¹² Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. ¹³ You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.  Jeremiah 29:11-13

One Taxol treatment down, three to go.  It took about five hours to get chemo and went really well.  The first hour is spent giving me Benadryl and other antibiotics.  Then they started the Taxol.  My nurse, Kendra, had to sit with me for the first 20 minutes to make sure I didn’t have a reaction.  I didn’t.  Jill worked til 3 a.m. the night before and I was tired from the meds so we both took a nap!  So much for card games.  When I woke up Jill went to Wendy’s and got us lunch.  It was nice. 

We were done at the Cancer Hematology Center at 1:45 which was perfect because my surgeon appointment was at 2:00.  I learned something new on Wednesday.  Dr. Hoberman’s first name is Liberty.  I thought her maiden name was Liberty and she hyphenated it with Hoberman.  Anyway….I’m very glad I switched surgeons.  I really like Dr. Hoberman.  She was very informative about what to expect with the mastectomy and about my reconstructive options.  She discovered another spot that may need to be biopsied, but she’ll consult with Dr. VanderWoude first.  She also referred me to Dr. Dodde who could do the reconstructive surgery.  Thank you Jill for spending the day with me and being my personal chauffeur.   

So far I’ve had no nausea from the Taxol!  What a relief.   Yesterday afternoon I noticed my finger tips and feet start to tingle and hurt.  It’s nerve pain.  This morning I woke up and feel very achy from head to toe.  My finger tips and feet still hurt.  This is what they warned me about.   I have to tell ya, I’d rather have this than nausea any day of the week.  I may not say that tomorrow, but for today I’ll take it. 

Last night was rough.  I get so sick of cancer.  I get so angry that I have it.  I hate it.  It’s so hard.  I’m sick of not feeling well.  It seems so unfair.  This is Max and Samantha’s first year of life and as every parent knows, so much happens the first year.  Samantha just started crawling.  Max does a funky army crawl.  Brooklyn starts Kindergarten in a month.  I want to take her to pick out a back pack and lunch box, but I just don’t feel good.  These are things you want to do with your kids.  I never imagined her starting Kindergarten and me having cancer.  It’s hard to truly enjoy my kids when I feel so sick and tired all the time.  So I had a pity party for myself last night. 

The sun is shining this morning and it’s going to be a beautiful day.  Brooklyn is going to see Click Clack Moo this morning at Hope College.  I’ll sit outside and get some fresh air and hopefully a new outlook on my life.   

Next week I meet with Dr. Iakiri, the genetic testing doctor at the Cancer Hematology Center.   

Thank you for your prayers.  I’m so thankful that I don’t have nausea.  I’m thankful that I’m going through chemo in the summer so I can go outside and get fresh air.  I’m thankful for everyone who is helping us with Brooklyn, Max and Samantha.  Have a great day!