Today was my fourth round of radiation and it’s going well.  I haven’t had a skin reaction yet (that shows up in a few more days) and I’m tired. 

My emotion for radiation is anger.  I find myself getting very angry.  I’m laying on a table in the middle of a big room completely exposed with my feet banded together, my arms in stirrups above my head and a machine going around me zapping my insides.  I’m not sure where the anger comes in, but that’s how I feel when I’m laying there for my five minute zap.  Maybe it’s because I’m cancer free and yet this is another treatment with more side effects to deal with.  All I know is that it’s not self pity.  It’s anger.  The pity comes later when I’m so tired that changing another diaper feels like climbing a mountain. 

The only lasting side effect I have from chemo is forgetfulness. 

The lasting side effect from surgery is loss of motion in my right arm, but that’s working out with physical therapy which I go to once a week. 

On a positive note we went to Haven’s Christmas Program Sunday night and it was awesome.   All the kids did a great job, but we’re especially proud of Brooklyn.  I will have to get Dusty to post a video from last year’s program compared to this year’s program.  Last year she refused to sing.  She would make eye contact with us in the audience, cross her arms and whip her head to the side with her chin up as a non verbal sign that we can’t make her sing.  This year we used threats and guilt to make her sing.  Dusty threatened no Christmas presents (okay I thought that was extreme) and I said she is singing for Jesus because we’re celebrating his birthday and he wants to see and hear her sing.  She performed like a Broadway star.  Motions…singing…it was beautiful. 

The other good news is that I can lift Max and Samantha again.  They have started to take some steps by themselves without holding on to anything.  They’ll be walking in no time.  It will be a Christmas miracle for Samantha.  Especially when I look back to last year and her being able to walk was at the bottom of our list of worries for her. 

I can’t believe it’s going to be Christmas next week.  I cheated this year and bought Christmas tree cookies from Meijer.  The energy I do have I want to spend with my kids, so if you’re a recipient of one of those cookies I apologize. 🙂

I made it through my marathon day of appointments yesterday. 

First stop of the day was Dr. Hoberman who is happy with my healing. 

Second stop was the Radiation Center.  The “dry run” went well.  The only bummer is that I’m having radiation with bolus every other day.  The bolus is something that looks like a large gel pack that they place on my chest while I’m getting radiated.  It allows a higher dose of radiation to the area.  They want to do that because the tumor was so close to my chest wall and that is where the greatest chance of recurrence is.  The downside of the bolus is that it increases the severity of skin reaction.  I’m praying for minimal side effects.  

My last stop of the day was Dr. Gootjes and she is happy with my recovery as well. 

So all in all it was a good day.  I was thankful that we didn’t get a lot of snow so driving wasn’t treacherous.   

Speaking of treacherous driving, my first radiation treatment was today.  I made it there safely and on time.  Six and a half weeks to go.  The treatment is painless which is a big a relief.   

I am so tired.  So so so tired.  Time for a nap. 

Dr. Edlund is my radiation oncologist and he is great.  I saw him and some of his staff during my 1 1/2 hour appointment last Thursday.  He explained that receiving radiation at this point is considered proactive.  With the size and location of the tumor and type of cancer I had (triple negative) I have a chance of reoccurance in the chest wall.  I could chose to not have radiation because my cancer is currently gone.  However, if it came back in two or three years, then we’re chasing our tail because we don’t know where or if the cancer has spread.  Then we’re being reactive.  So I’m going with the proactive approach and will have the radiation. 

I’ll have radiation from my axillary (armpit) to my right chest and then to my clavicular area.  It’s kind of a triangle pattern.  They put some markings on me, took a CT scan and then I was tattooed with three teeny tiny dots to help them allign the lasers.  One on each side and one in the middle of the my chest.  They look like freckles. 

Wednesday is going to be a marathon doctor appointment day.  I see Dr. Hoberman (mastectomy surgeon) in the morning for my follow-up, Dr. Edlund (Radiation Oncologist) in the late morning I don’t remember what for and Dr. Gootjes (hysterectomy surgeon) in the afternoon for my follow-up.  I begin radiation on Thursday.  I’ll have it every day – Monday through Friday for 6 to 6 1/2 weeks.  Thankfully it’s in Holland so I won’t have to travel far. 

Dr. Edlund said I will have a reaction to radiation, but he cannot tell me how bad it will be.  It has nothing to do with how you tolerate the sun.  If you’re someone who burns easily it doesn’t mean you’re going to burn with radiation.   It’s a wait and see thing. 

The weight thing is going okay.  I was so proud of myself because I had a protein bar and yogurt for lunch.  Then Brooklyn came home from  a sleep over with a HUGE plate of cookies they made.  C’mon!  Seriously?  You know I had to have one or two.   Afterall, Brooklyn made them.  It would be insulting to her and could scar her forever if I didn’t try them.  They’re delicious.   

Thank you Nicole and friends for your kind and generous gifts.  Thank you to everyone for your prayers. 

It’s so good to know that I’m cancer free.  While it’s a huge relief, it’s still hard because treatment isn’t done.  Head down.  Keep plowing forward.  It is what it is.  To steal a phrase from Amy Harper (a co-worker of Jill’s who just found she has breast cancer) I’m gonna fight like a girl.  

I’ve started physical therapy for my arm.  I don’t have good range of motion in my right arm because of the lymph nodes being removed and the digging they had to do.  I was excited because one of the P.T.’s specializes in lymphadema so she can teach me how to get rid of fluid build up should that ever happen.  Oh boy I hope that never happens. 

My kids are healthy again.  Yippeeee!!! 

I have gained 35 pounds.  Now I know weight gain is something not all people talk about, admit or acknowledge.  I have the biggest sweet tooth and no will power.  We’ve received a lot of cookies, cakes, bars, brownies and breads.  You know when people take a bite of a bar or brownie and say “oh boy that is too sweet”.  I always think they’re crazy and I could eat the whole pan.  You know what people say to me?  They say I look great.  I feel like you could have floated me down fifth avenue during the Macy’s Thanksgiving day parade.  I changed clothes three times for church Sunday morning because nothing fit comfortably.  Do you know what I wore?  I wore the skirt that I wore to the baptism after I had TWINS!  Can’t wait to get the “go ahead” from Dr. Gootjes to start really exercising and lifting things again. 

I have one friend who will acknowledge my weight gain and laugh with me about it.  The other day she picked me up to go to the doctor and I was walking out the door with a huge piece of chocolate cake someone made us (thanks Holly – delicious).  She looked at the cake and then at me and said “what’s that for?” I said “It’s for when I need a snack.   I have a fork in my purse.”  Honestly it was for her husband.  He likes chocolate cake so I thought I would share a piece with him. 

So I could keep writing about my 35 pound weight gain or start losing it and I’m going to lose it.  Wish me will power. 

I see Dr. Edlund on Thursday about radiation.  Maybe a side effect of it will be loss of appetite.  That would be handy.  

I hope everyone had a wonderful Thanksgiving.   We’re thankful for many things including the fact that Boston Market is open on Thanksgiving.  🙂  It was a long day at home and it didn’t feel like Thanksgiving without seeing the whole family.  There is always next year.

The kids are finally turning the corner and feeling better.  So much, in fact, that my parents watched them today so Dusty and I could go out and shop.  We went to Target and then got rear ended.  That’s right rear ended.  The first time we’ve been out together in weeks and we got in an accident.  Thankfully no one was hurt.  While we were waiting for the police to arrive we had time to reflect on our lives.  All we could do was laugh.  It is what it is.

Dusty and I came home and were humbled and I was brought to tears over the card and generosity we received from a group at Herman Miller.  Thank you so much.  That was unexpected and incredibly kind. casino shans

I’m feeling better.  I’ve been doing my arm exercises and the pain and range of motion is improving in both arms.  For some reason I cannot stand anything touching my skin where I was operated on.  I don’t know what that is or why.  Maybe it’s the nerves coming back to life?  If anyone knows what that is or what makes it more tolerable I would love to hear from you.

P.S.  Did you know Target sells a 3lb bag of Wint-O-Green Lifesavers?  That made my day.  I love them and ate them while we waited for the police.

The traditional Thanksgiving dinner with family is not happening for us.  Unfortunately all three kids have fevers.  Samantha has an ear infection and cough.  I took Brooklyn to the doctor today because we couldn’t get her fever down after 8 days and she was diagnosed with a sinus infection that developed from having the flu.  Max has a fever, but hasn’t been to the doctor yet so we don’t know what he has.  Both Samantha and Brooklyn are on Amoxicillin so I was hoping that out of pity the doctor would give me a prescription for Max too, but no such luck. 

Jill and I saw Dr. VanderWoude today and she is very happy with my pathology report and the way I’ve progressed.  We gathered that she was surprised by how well I responded to chemo and surgery and she didn’t expect me to do as well as what I have.  She commented that by the size of my tumor she didn’t expect all my lymph nodes to come back clear.  God still works miracles.  It’s great to be cancer free. 

I start physical therapy next week for my arm and see Dr. Edlund (radiation guy) to get the game plan going.  I think I’m getting my tattoos.

I hope you all have a great Thanksgiving!

I saw Dr. Hoberman on Thursday and she said my incisions look good and I should be out of the woods for any infection.  The only cause for concern is that I can’t raise my right arm very high at all.  The muscle in my armpit is so tight and bruised it feels like a rock and is extremely sore.  She said it’s because she had the retractors so far up and in there because she needed to get around all the scar tissue.  I can raise the left arm with a little soreness, but nothing to complain about.  She is prescribing physical therapy for my right arm.  I’ll be happy when I have the use of that back again. 

Brooklyn is fighting a fever and the flu.  Max and Samantha both have coughs.  Dusty is doing great being super dad – he should have a cape.  You should’ve seen him last night.  He doesn’t do well with vomit and Brooklyn was vomitting.  I’m usually the one who deals with it, but he didn’t have a choice.  He looked like a deer in headlights at first.  Thankfully Brooklyn knew to use the puke bowl and Dusty quickly snapped out of it and got her to the bathroom.  He goes back to work on Monday (I bet he can’t wait!). 

I can’t believe it’s going to be Thanksgiving next week!  I see Dr. VanderWoude (oncologist) next week so I will probably find out when radiation will begin.  I’ll let you know how that goes. 

Thank you for your prayers, cards and emails.  I will never tire of receiving them.  I still run to the computer like Christmas morning whenever I do a post.  I know it’s silly, but hey I don’t get a lot of thrills right now. 

Wow.  I’m glad I was warned that the second week after surgery is worse than the first.  Boy is that true!  I am really sore.  I’m sore all over and especially on the right side where they took the lymph nodes.  Yowzers.  I’ll be okay.  Just a matter of time. 

Max and Samantha came home Saturday night.  It was good to have all the kids home again, but very stressful.  They were tired and very insecure.  They wanted to be held all the time.  They didn’t want anyone out of their sight.  Sunday was spent with a lot of tears.  Poor little kids. 

Samantha spent the day at Jill’s house today.  It looked like they had fun together:

I am cancer free!  Cancer free!  Did you hear me?  CANCER FREE!!!

We just got back from Dr. Hoberman and praise God I am cancer free.  She removed eight lymph nodes last Thursday and none of them had cancer.  They found no cancer from the left breast and removed stage zero DCIS (Ductal Carcinoma In Situ) cancer on the right side.  Amazing.  Relieving.  Thank God.

Not only that, but all three drains were removed.  It didn’t hurt too bad pulling them out.  It was uncomfortable.  I feel like a free woman.  Free from cancer and free from those annoying, gross drains.

Last May, just six months ago, I had a large tumor and aggressive cancer.  I spent a suffering summer doing a dose dense version of chemo and today I was told I’m cancer free.  We did it!  I say we because I was not alone.  I was cheered on and pulled through by my family and friends.  This is proof that God hears and answers our prayers.  Believe it.  I am blessed to have a God loving family and friends. казино шанс официальный сайт

Another bonus:  My hair, eyelashes and eyebrows are growing back!

Have a wonderful sunny day.  My goal for the day is to walk a couple houses down and back again.  I think I can…I think I can…I think I can….

Samantha’s appointment with Dr. Burdo-Hartman went well.  She actually saw Dr. Dodge.   She continues to amaze them.  They found no major concerns with her.  Dr. Dodge commented to Dusty that she sees so many kids with Cerebral Palsy and can’t help but wonder how the kids would be if they were placed on the cooling mat.  She said if Max and Samantha were born just a few months earlier they wouldn’t have had the cooling mat and there is no telling what Samantha would be like today.  They asked if Samantha could participate in a study regarding the cooling mat technology they used on her.  She will go back in August for a two hour appointment to be a part of it.  I don’t know what it entails.  If it will be published.  What they’re looking for.  What they will test her for.  We’re so thankful God created the cooling mat technology.  Not only for Samantha, but for all the other babies who will benefit from it. 

I’m feel the same as yesterday.  Nothing has changed.  I hope the drains can be removed.  I’m also nervous that we haven’t heard anything about the pathology reports.  I hope the old adage is true – no news is good news.