I am so tired.  Like extreme exhaustion that you hope a good night of sleep would take care of, but it doesn’t.  Last night the thought of carrying Max upstairs to bed was overwhelming.  I was ready to let him sleep on the floor by me until I went to bed.   I know this is due to low blood counts from chemo.  Also, for some reason my back is killing me.  I don’t know why, but it is so sore.   Mainly my low back.  I hope it’s not my kidneys.  Must have something to do with chemo.   Who knows.

Other than being tired and my washing machine breaking, the past few days have been good.  I am so thankful for a dad who can do anything like fix a washing machine – thanks Dad!  I’ll have to write him a thank you.  He’s not techy at all.  He doesn’t have email and doesn’t know how to access the internet.  I’ll send him a note by pigeon courier.   

We had a great morning.  Brooke crawled into our bed this morning and said “so how’s the cancer doing mama?”  “It’s still there.”  I said.  “oh…I wish it wasn’t.”  was her response.  She is too cute.  We had monkey bread for breakfast (thank you Denise and MainDish in GR) which made for a great start to the day. 

The question of the day is if I still have my hair.  As of this moment I do.  I’m seriously considering shaving it today.  I have this crazy fear that clumps of my hair are going to fall out of my head when I’m in public.  Like at church or Meijer.  I don’t want to scare small children.  

Everyone else seems to be amazed at our faith during this time.  Some of you know our story and some don’t.  For those of you who know please skip this paragraph.  For those who want to know, here is a brief recap.  We owned a small baby furniture store in Holland for four years.  I got pregnant February of 2008 with twins and was severely sick from February to October 2008.  The store was neglected for those months and the economy was also failing.  I went into labor, Max was born naturally and Samantha wouldn’t come out.  Her placenta started to come loose (placenta abruption) and we had to do an emergency c-section.  We lost her at some point while traveling from the delivery room to the operating room.  The doctor’s worked on her, brought her back to life and she was immediately transported to DeVos.  She spent nine days in DeVos making a miraculous recovery.  She went from severely brain damaged the first night to laughing, jabbering and almost crawling as of today.  The day we took her home was also Brooke’s fifth birthday.  That night we put Brooke to bed and I hemorrhaged and was taken back to the hospital.  After fluids and a blood transfusion I returned home very weak and tired.  That was 7 months ago.   After things calmed down a bit, we decided to close our store mainly because of our family.  After the birth of the twins we realized how precious children are and we want to be there for them.   Another reason was the economy.  So we closed the store two months ago.  A few weeks ago I was diagnosed with breast cancer so here I am. 

So, like I said everyone wonders about our faith having been through so much in such a short amount of time.  Our marriage seems to get stronger and our family (immediate and extended) seems to get closer.  True colors have come out in our friendships and I must say we have great friends because the support is overwhelming.  You would think the opposite.  You’d think it would strain a marriage or take a toll on the family.  There are times, believe me, that not everything is awesome, but for the most part we hit the rally button and go forward.  I believe the only reason this happens is because of the incredible faith we, our family and friends have.  It’s been passed from generation to generation and runs deep.  It’s a faith that you know is always there even when you’re young and a moron, but you really tap into it when you’re grown and are so glad the seeds were planted when you were young.  You guys are praying for us – our marriage, our family, my cancer, etc. and God is answering prayers.   THANK YOU!

So I am going to enjoy today, look forward to tomorrow and pretend that Wednesday (chemo day) isn’t coming.  😉

The past couple days haven’t been better.  I’m awake more, but still nauseas.  I called the doctor this morning and they gave me a different med to use in combination with one of my current meds.  Hopefully that will help.  They said there are other options so if this doesn’t work, don’t get discouraged. 

I’m starting to freak out again.  My hair is going to fall out this weekend.  I dread my second chemo course next week because of the nausea.  I hate that I can’t play with and hold my kids the way I normally would because of my port.  I have to be careful that Max and Samantha don’t head-butt or punch the port with their little hands. 

It is so hard to turn this all over to God.  I am a control freak.  I’m considering shaving my hair off before the weekend because that’s the ONE thing I can control right now.  But then the dutch in me shines through and thinks “don’t do that.  You still have a little shampoo left in the bottle.  If you shave your hair early you will have wasted some shampoo.”  I can’t believe I just wrote that.  You know you can relate.  You can right? 

We didn’t make it to church yesterday, but we did, as I lovingly call it from my preggo days, couch church.  We tuned in via the webcast.  The morning and evening messages were excellent.  In the morning we had Pastor Dale Cooper and he spoke about asking the Holy Spirit to give us the strength to face our challenges.  Last night was Pastor Don Cousins and he spoke about when we pray to listen and not do all the talking.

I need to ask the Holy Spirit to help me turn over all my worries and cares about the future to Jesus.  To fill me with the strength I need to overcome cancer and chemo.  To fill Dusty, my mom and the other wonderful childcare providers the strength to get through the day with our three kids.     

We are so thankful for everyone who is helping or has helped out.  From childcare to fun for Brooke.  From meal organizers to meal makers, from lawn mowing to house cleaning.  So many of you have given to us in so many ways.  We will not forget it.  THANK YOU!

I feel so sick.  I can’t eat.  I feel like I have to throw up all the time.  All I do is sleep.  The anti-nausea meds make me very tired so I’ve been asleep more than awake the past four days.  This is horrible. 

I’ve been checking my blog during awake moments.  Your posts, cards and comments usually put smile on my face.  Sometimes a tear down my cheek.  They always renew my faith.  Some of you should be hired by Hallmark. 

It’s hard not to slip into dispair when you feel this sick day after day, but your support helps SO MUCH. 

I missed out on my niece, Mary Ver Beek’s, open house last night.  I was looking forward to going, not only to congratulate her for graduating from high school, but also because they had delicious wraps from Cafe 58!  Dusty took the gang and it sounds like she had a wonderful party.  He also took a wrap to go so I was able to get one afterall.  Congratulations Mary! 

Well…I’m about to take another antit-nausea pill which means I’ll go to sleep.  So goodnight. 

Dr. Housekamp, the surgeon who performed the lymph node biospy and Power Port surgery, called this morning.  He said it was a difficult lymph node surgery because the lymph nodes were really hard to get to.  He did a lot of digging because they were quite deep.  He removed six lymph nodes and two of them came back with cancer.   They were hoping to do a MAC sedation which makes you kind of out of it and you won’t really remember it, but half way through the procedure they had to do a general.  I’ll spare you all the technical information, but they did a good thing by knocking me out completely.  Thankfully my throat doesn’t hurt from the breathing tube and I had no side effects from that. 

Dr. Housekamp (surgeon) is going to talk to Dr. VanderWoude (oncologist) about what the next steps are.  He said she may want to do a PET scan to see if the cancer has spread anywhere else (I thought that’s what the CAT scans were for, but what do I know).  He also said she may want to do radiation in my armpit after chemo.  We will wait and see. 

Dr. VanderWoude hasn’t staged the cancer yet because she was waiting for the lymph node biopsy results.  Once I know what stage the cancer is I will pass it along to you.

Please pray that I will not lose my fighting spirit.  When I receive news like I did today about the lymph nodes, I find myself wanting to throw up my hands and have a big ol’ pity party for myself.  Everything I do takes energy.  I can choose to use the energy to fight rather than feel sorry for myself. 

God will help me beat this.  We’re going to fight together and win.  He’s got my back.  My God makes the sun rise and fall.  He is huge.  He is larger and more powerful than we can imagine.  He can move mountains.  He saved my little girl.  He can save me too.  Just believe it. 

I wish I could say I’m going to Disneyland, but I have to settle for chemoland instead.  Today was my first chemo treatment and it went as expected.  Dusty went with me and we were fortunate to get a private room with a bed.  I took a nap and Dusty read a book I got him from the library.  It’s for husband’s who have wives who have breast cancer.  Chemo took two hours and I have used every anti-nausea drug they’ve given me.  I’m still a little nauseous, very tired and extremely sore from the biopsy.  I want to fast forward a couple days so the pain from the biopsy and discomfort from the Power Port placement can pass and then all I have to deal with is chemo. 

Brooklyn was so cute last night when I got home from the hospital.  She didn’t want to leave my side.  I went to bed around 8:30.  Brooklyn snuck in my room and quietly sat at the foot of the bed just looking at me.  She thought she was in trouble for getting out of bed.  I told her she could lay in daddy’s spot until he comes to bed, but that she had to be careful not to bump me because I was very sore.  She was extra careful and fell asleep.  It was one of those great moments I’ll never forget. 

Today was hard because it was the first day since we brought Samantha home from the NICU and I hemorrhaged that I didn’t hold the babies.  I couldn’t.  It hurts too much.  I know it’s for the better, but not being able to hold your kids and watching someone else do it is hard.  I’m so thankful they have lots of loving and caring arms to hold them.  

Thank you to the babysitters from today, the awesome meal that was brought in, the kind man who mowed our lawn and my husband whose plate is so full there is no more room.   Thank you to the prayer warriors, meal coordinators, and everyone who has sent us cards, comments and emails.  We can feel your prayers.  I feel a peace that reminds me of that intense peace I felt just 7 months ago when we had a still born daughter who was brought back to life.  Transferred to the NICU.  We were told she was severely brain damaged by the read out on her EEG.  We had people stomping the gates of heaven for her.  God heard our prayers and worked a miracle in her.  Today she is doing everything her brother does (and sometimes better).   God is amazing!

I’m nervous about whether I will be sick tomorrow.  Please pray that I’m not sick from chemo and that the pain and discomfort quickly go away and the healing from the biopsy and surgery is quick.   Please pray for Dusty because things are picking up at work and if you know Dusty he’s a perfectionist so he’ll be stressed about meeting deadlines and taking care of things at home.  Please pray for Brooke and the kids that they stay healthy and keep trusting in God that He will heal me.  Please pray for my parents.  My mom is a rock.  We actually call her glue.  Because sometimes she’s the glue that holds our family together.  Having twins is a lot of work.  Having cancer, chemo and twins is almost undoable.   She knows just when to come over and she blends right in knowing just what to do.  My dad is incredibly generous in helping us with anything we ask and he always does it with a smile on his face.   Please pray for Dusty’s parents too.  His mom has Parkinson’s Disease and they are concerned for us too. 

I started sleeping around 6 p.m. so at 1 a.m. I’m wide awake.   I went right to my computer to read the comments and emails (it’s like Christmas morning). 

Kathy Terpstra from Haven Church has been coordinating meals with our church family.  She’s had a few calls from our greater community to see if and when they can take a meal to us.  She has so kindly requested that I pass along her name and phone number if you want to get on the meal schedule. 

If you would like to bring a meal please contact Kathy Terpstra at 616-499-3578.  I have my schedule linked to my blog so your name will be added to it.  It’s on the left hand side of the screen entitled “schedules”.  I have babysitters listed, meal takers, my appointments and other misc. things.  This is simply an FYI so please do not feel like you have to bring a meal.  I know summer can get very busy and we all look forward to spending time with our kids and families. 

Dusty and I are so humbled and grateful for the outpouring of love and generosity from everyone.  We can’t wait to be on the giving side of it. 

Thank you!

This is going to be a quick post because I’m very tired, but I know some of you were wondering how the surgery went and were praying for me.  The surgery went okay.  It was twice as long as expected because he had a really difficult time getting to the lymph nodes.  He said he had to do a lot of digging.  He removed three lymph nodes and the port was successfully implanted.  Dusty has more details and that is all I remember.  I’m extremely sore and in pain and very tired, but I will be okay. 

My chemo will start tomorrow at 1:00 p.m.  Dr. Housekamp was able to keep an IV or tube or whatever it’s called sticking out of the port so they don’t have to poke me again tomorrow so I’m happy about that.

Thank you again for your prayers.  There is nothing better than feeling the presence of God.

Good night!

So what’s up with cancer anyway?  Doesn’t cancer know that we have 7-month-old twins and a 5-year-old and we don’t have time for it?  Our lives are chaotic already.   We’ve had a difficult year.  Okay, the pity party is over.    

I know that our Heavenly Father is the only one who will get us through this.  He will never leave us.  He is always with me.   Even when I’m scared and I don’t feel like going through cancer or going through chemo.  I don’t feel like having a surgery tomorrow.  I don’t feel like being tired and I don’t feel like being sick.  I just don’t want to do it.  I know He will carry me and my family through this.  I know these things.  I just have to believe and trust in them. 

I feel so blessed to have all of you in my life.  You are so encouraging and supportive that I have no choice but to be positive and lifted up by you.  I’m humbled by how many people are praying for us.  People I’ve never even met!

I received an email from another cancer survivor from Haven Church who said Jeremiah 29:11 kept popping up everywhere during her cancer journey.  It was even in the card we sent her.  So she sent it back to me in an email.  Then Sunday morning we had a guest pastor – Ren Broekhuizen and instead of the standard closing “….may God bless you and keep you and may His face shine upon you and give you peace…” he said the verse from Jeremiah:

For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. 

I remember smiling and trying to pull my jaw off the ground because there was that verse again.  Now I’m excited to see where else I will hear it or see it.  God talks to us in so many ways.  He is so cool. 

So the plan for tomorrow is to get four injections at 11:00ish at HCH so they can do the lymph node biopsy.  The biopsy and surgery are happening at 3:30.  I still do not know if chemo will start on Wednesday.  I’m working on my patience and I’m hoping Dr. VanderWoude will be in contact soon about that. 

The kids are doing great.  I’m pretty sure Max grew another inch during his afternoon nap.  Samantha is super smiley and jabbering quite a bit.  Brooklyn is doing well.  She thinks my cancer will go away when I go to the doctor.  She’s still trying to figure out that it will take time for my cancer to go away. 

Please pray for my surgery tomorrow.  It’s a minor one, but I don’t like surgeries.  Thank God for all the wonderful helpers who are taking care of my kids – my mom, Kathy and Jill a.k.a. Jilly Bean.  (She gonna hate me for writing that).   As all mothers know, you can’t relax until you know your kids are being well cared for. 

Thank you for your prayers.  Thank you for your support – I can’t believe you cut your hair and you know who you are!  Thank you for your comments (I love them).  

Have a good night