My body is starting to wake up from surgery.  I’m sore, crampy and tired.  I counted my incision scars from neck to hips and I have ten (not including mole removals).  I think this ends my dream of ever wearing a bikini again.  🙂 

It’s still hard for me to look at myself.  When I bathe, change bandages or empty my drains, I emotionally remove myself, get the job done, and then sit on my bed and cry.  Nothing can prepare a person for this.  I’ve thought about this surgery all summer.  I’ve seen pictures of what it will look like.  I understood it was going to happen to me and why.  Actually seeing it on me is another thing.  It makes me sad, turns my stomach and makes me angry all at the same time.  I don’t see myself when I look in the mirror.    

I miss Max and Samantha.  I’ve seen Max a couple times and he wants me to pick him up and doesn’t understand why I can’t.  It breaks my heart.  Brooklyn is doing great.     

I go to Dr. Hoberman on Wednesday.  She thinks we’ll be able to remove the drains (yippee!) and we should have the pathology reports by then.  I will not miss the drains.  They are so gross and uncomfortable. 

Samantha is going to see Dr. Burdo-Hartman tomorrow (Dusty will be looking for you Barb!).  She’s the specialist Samantha sees from her birth trauma a year ago.  Please pray for another good visit without any disappointing news.  She’s a true miracle.  

It’s good to be home.  It’s been a long few days. 

We arrived at the hospital Thursday at 1 p.m.  We were immediately brought back to the surgery area and there was a card sitting on my bed.  It was nice to be greeted in such a scary place by a nice card.  We met with Dr. Gootjes and Dr. Hoberman before the surgery began.  They went over what they were going to do and answered questions.  Dr. Hoberman prayed with us.  I was also able to see my parents before going in.  It was comforting to know there are people who love me waiting for me. 

The next thing I remember was being in my room on the third floor.  I expected to be out of surgery around 6:00.  I was shocked to see 10:00 on the clock on the wall.  I remember talking to Dusty, my parents and Jill.  Next thing I knew I was alone.  It was a long night.  I woke up every hour, sometimes twice.  I was very uncomfortable, but the nurses did a good job minimizing my pain.   

Friday was an okay day.  It was a blur.  I was happy to see Dusty in a clearer state of mind and was relieved to hear the surgeries went well and were considered successful.  We haven’t received the pathology reports from the lymph nodes yet.  The surgery took longer than expected because there was so much scar tissue in my armpit from the sentinel node biopsy I had done in June.  She wanted to take her time and minimize any nerve damage.  She is an excellent surgeon.   

I was able to come home yesterday (Saturday).  I was ready to come home.  It’s hard to get rest in the hospital.  I brought ear plugs and an eye mask to the hospital.  That helped tremendously and I highly recommend ear plugs to anyone who wants to get some rest in the hospital.  I think they should sell them in the vending machines.  🙂 

Before sending us home they gave us discharge instructions and taught me how to empty my drains.  I have three drains.  One on my left side and two on my right.  They don’t hurt unless they get caught on something and are mainly just a nuisance.  Emptying them is gross and turns my stomach a little, but it has to be done.  I have a camisole I bought at St. Mary’s before the surgery which has built in pockets for the drains.  I’m so happy I have it.  It’s very comfortable. 

Overall I feel much better than what I thought I would.  I’m staying on top of the pain with the medications.  I’m able to move pretty well.  It’s more of an emotional struggle than a physical one.  I don’t want to look at myself.  I feel like I look like an alien.  It will take some getting used to.  I’m glad it’s temporary. 

Dusty is taking excellent care of me.  We have a bed set up on the main floor in the office so I don’t have to go up and down the stairs.  We bought walkie talkies for Brooklyn last Christmas and those are coming in handy.  We used them in the middle of the night so Dusty could come down and help me out of bed.  He carries one around with him and I have the other one on the nightstand next to my temporary bed so he can go outside or be around the house and I don’t have to yell. 

The kids are doing good.  I miss Max and Samantha so much.  Kathy sent us pictures everyday of them playing at her house.  It was nice to see their smiles.  Brooklyn is home with us now and Max and Samantha are with my parents.  I hope to see them today. 

Today we had couch church. 

Thank you for your prayers.  God was with us through all of this.  I’m so grateful that the surgery went well.  He gave me the right surgeons, anesthesiologist, nurses and techs. 

Kathy, Max and Samantha:

Max and Samantha in Kathy’s kitchen:

Lindy is being very strong after this life-changing surgery–imagine that! 

Yesterday went better than expected and her pain is managed appropriately.  She’s got the gleem back in her eyes again and she’s already been walking down the halls.  In fact, we got the orders that she’ll be discharged to my care later today.  Apparently, our insurance company only cover two nights at the hospital for all she’s been through.   So, I’ll be bringing my sweetie home later today and will do my best to get her well again.  She’s a pretty patient, so I welcome the challenge.

Emotionally, we’re still numb.  Personally, I think this is the prayers and positive thoughts people are sending our way.  Numb is better than sad…we’ll take numb.  It seems weird (I’m sure psychologists would have a hay day with this),     but please pray for numb–it’s getting us through this. 

Love you all,  Dusty & Lindy

We just got word that the surgeries are done.

During the six hour surgery, she had both breasts removed, lymph nodes removed, a hysterectomy, and her bladder tied up. The great news is that her ovaries were clear so she was able to keep them.

Thank you all for your prayers and well-wishes. We are so in awe of each of you.

Wow, this has been quite a day. Lindy has made it through phase one of the surgery and is now moving to the second part. Looks like another couple hours before it will be done.

Khaki it is.  The painting hasn’t started yet, but the color has been chosen.  From the comments and emails it was unanimous to go with khaki.  Thank you to everyone for your advice.

My surgery is tomorrow.  The day is almost here.  This is very surreal.  I feel numb again.  I don’t want to do this.  I know I have to, but I don’t want to.  The hospital just called to say that my surgery has been bumped back an hour so it starts at 2:30 and won’t take as long as originally planned.  Probably about four hours. казино шанс

Dusty will be updating the blog throughout the day tomorrow and for the next couple of days.  Please pray for the nurses, surgeons, techs and anyone else who will be in my path during my surgery and hospital stay.  Pray that the cancer is 100% removed and for a successful surgery.   Pray for Dusty as he stands by my side and holds my hand through this.  Pray for Max and Samantha while they stay at Kathy’s house.  Pray for Brooklyn while she stays with her Aunt Jana.  Pray for peace for my entire family and friends.

Dusty and I can’t thank you enough for your prayers.  Thank you for all the cards and emails I’ve received.  I’m sorry that I haven’t been able to respond to all of you, but please know I got them and I thank you for them.

Is it strange to think about redecorating when a life changing surgery is going to happen in just six days?  I have this need to repaint our dining room and living room.  So now I’m thinking about paint colors, window treatments and accessories instead of mastectomies, drains and recovery.  Must be a defense mechanism.  Any psychology students out there? 

I’d be happy to take suggestions for paint color.  Keep in mind I have a green mudroom and a red kitchen.  The living room and dining room flow off of those.  Seriously.  If you have any ideas I would love to hear them.  This could be fun.  It will give me something else to think about the next few days. 

As the surgery comes closer, I try to think of all the things we may run out of while Dusty is trying to stay afloat in the house.  Do we have enough toothpaste, toilet paper, diapers, wipes, dishwasher detergent, laundry soap, etc?  The plan has been laid out for who is going to take care of the kids, logistics and all those other mundane day-to-day things.  My freezer is full of food.  My pantry is stocked for lunches and we have enough toilet paper to last through 2010.  I still have to fill him in on what Brooke does at school and which days she does what.  I have some time for that.  Can you tell I’m a bit of a control freak?  You’d think I learned my lesson by now – that I’m not the one in control! 

I’ve seen so many friends lately who I haven’t seen in ages.  I’ve made new friends through this too.  It’s apparent that God has specifically chosen people to be in my life.  He’s chosen someone to bring me flowers and write me cards when I’m sick.  Someone else to send me childhood pictures that make me laugh til tears run down my cheeks.  Caring and motherly arms to help take care of Brooklyn, Max and Samantha.  Others who make delicious food that give me and my family a healthy meal.  People to send emails and cards that remind me of the hope I have.  He’s chosen the coolest guy to mow our lawn last summer.  He assembled an entire army of prayer warriors who have held our family up.  Most of all He’s given me a husband who has patiently and lovingly stood my my side through all of this.  He sat with me during doctor’s visits, chemo treatments, got up in the middle of the night to get my meds, weighed out surgery options, took care of me when I was so sick and I couldn’t take care of myself.  God also gave me my parents who I am eternally grateful for.  They are the epitome of who good parents are.  They are the most kind, generous, selfless people I know. They’re always happy to help.  How many people do you know happily and cheerfully help others?  Being adopted I realize I could have been placed in any home.  The home God choose for me was perfect.  It reminds me that even now His plan is perfect and I need to trust in Him.    

I thank God for each of you.  I love you all.

I’ve been taking a hiatus from cancer.  I know I have it.  I know it’s there, but without chemo I’ve been feeling pretty good and have enjoyed pretending to lead a normal life. 

I’ve had a great time over the past few weeks.  Max and Samantha turned one.  Brooklyn turned six.  My dad turned another year older (I don’t think he’d appreciate me writing his age).  Jill had a birthday (same goes for Jill).  Happy Birthday everyone!

The birthdays are done.  The parties are over.  It was nice to have them as a distraction.  The next part of my cancer journey is about to begin.  Surgery is becoming very real to me.  For a while it was so far away that I didn’t think about it all the time.  Now I have 12 days left.  I felt numb for a while, but now I think about it alot.  I went for preadmission testing at Holland Hospital yesterday and I think that made it sink in a little more.  I’m nervous about the surgery.  I’m sad about losing body parts.  I’m angry that I won’t be able to hold Max and Samantha for many days. 

After surgery I have radiation for 6-8 weeks and then reconstructive surgery.  I’m almost half way there. 

Thank you for your prayers and supporting my family through this. 

Please pray that the next 12 days go quickly for me.  That the surgery goes well.  That the kids stay healthy.  That Dusty is able to deal with the family, work and other obligations.  

For your viewing pleasure:

Samantha, Brooklyn and Max with their shared birthday cake

Happy Birthday Max!

Happy Birthday Brooklyn!

Samantha loves cake!

Max isn’t sure he likes cake.

Max doesn’t like cake

I had very good results from the MRI I had last week Tuesday.  The words on the final report are “there has been response to chemotherapy.  Almost all of the enhancement (I think that means tumor) is no longer identified.”  When I asked Dr. Vander Woude what the measurement of the tumor is, she said it’s so small they didn’t measure it.  Isn’t that great news?  In May I had a 2×4 cm tumor and now it’s so small they didn’t even measure it.  Amazing.  Thank God!  This is because of our great God.   

Life is getting better.  Much better than what it was this past summer.  The side effects from the chemo that seem to linger are numbness and tingling in my feet and fatigue.  The fatigue is the most bothersome, but I’m still having a lot of fun.  Last Friday we went to Cranes in Fennville, Saturday was the Race for a Cure and Sunday I went to church (no more couch church!). 

Thank you to everyone for your continued cards, encouragement, generosity, love and support.  Not just for me and my family, but our parents and friends.  We love you all.