On Monday, July 26, 2010 I was on the platform of a train station boarding my train to the end of breast cancer.  I sat down on the nice commuter train, had a clean, comfortable seat and there was even some nice music playing overhead.  There was good lighting and everyone was in good moods.  I was on my way to meet with Dr. Song in Chicago for the last time before my procedure.  I had my best friend and our kids with us to make the most of the day at Shedd Aquarium.  I was excited about having reconstruction done by one of the best plastic surgeon’s in the field who was doing the best procedure for me.  We had everything lined up.  Our cousin’s sister graciously offered their Chicago basement apartment for Dusty to stay in while I was at the hospital.  We had childcare lined up for the six weeks following the procedure.   The train dropped us off the hospital.  I had a good meeting with the doctor.  I had a good meeting with the anesthesiology department and that was it.  I was looking forward to having my new, old body rebuilt – tummy tuck was the bonus!  One pesky thing kept creeping in during the day…headaches. 

Onward…we hopped the train to Shedd Aquarium and had a fabulous day.  The kids loved it.  We took in all the sites and made some great memories.  Drove home that night, tired, but happy we had such a fun, successful day.

On Tuesday, July 27 I went to physical therapy because I’ve been having problems with frozen shoulder since my mastectomy.  My PT also knew about my ongoing headaches and nausea and we assumed it was because of all the adjusting we were doing to my shoulder and neck area.  After PT I had such a bad headache that I called Dr. Hoberman (my surgeon) and she prescribed Norco (narcotic).  I took the pain pills, got through the day, but couldn’t seem to get rid of the headaches. 

On Wednesday, July 28 I began vomiting because the headaches were too severe.

On Thursday, July 29 I called Dr. Hoberman explaining the pills weren’t helping and the vomiting is bad.  She immediately conferred with Dr. VanderWoude who sent me to Holland’s Emergency Room.  Jill drove me there and it was there that I had tests run, including a CT scan.  I didn’t hear it then, but the second train was pulling into the station. 

ALERT!  God Moment:  Dusty happened to meet an old friend for lunch that day and as he was driving by the hospital on his way back to work he popped in so we could joke together about how silly my little ER visit is.  Stupid headaches. 

Jill met him in the hall and remembered telling him that we waiting for the results of the CT scan.  CT scan?  She needed a CT scan?  Dusty came into my room and a moment later Dr. Nicely came in to tell us of the two tumors the CT picked up.  All color washed away from Dusty’s face.  He looked like he was punched in the gut.  This wasn’t expected. I think my eyes were closed with my jaw on the ground and Jill was bent forward with her head in her hands.  This isn’t happening!  At the worst it was going to be meningitis.  That’s what Dr. Hoberman said!  Pesky meningitis.  Not brain cancer.   

Dr. Hoberman walked in the room and I swear as she did I could hear the train start up.   She explained that I could be admitted to get the tests going right away or go home and schedule the tests as an outpatient.  We wanted to get it done.  Get these tumors out of me NOW!  I was decided to send me to Spectrum because they have a bigger pool of brain surgeon’s to work with and that’s also where one of Dr. VanderWoude’s offices is. 

So I boarded the train.  This train was darker.  Not cheery.  Not comfortable.  Cold.  As I rode the train to Grand Rapids it was dark and as light fell through the windows I saw signs before me “Brain Cancer”  “No new body for you”  “How much longer”  “What about your family”  “What do I do now”.  There was no overhead music.  No brightness.  Disbelief.  Dispair. 

We arrived at Spectrum where we were well taken care of.  We had many well wishers and great nurses who took care of us.  The first night at the hospital was busy.  I had an abdominal CT scan at 10:30 at night and a head MRI at 12:30 a.m.  I had a bone scan the next day at 3.  The CT scan and bone scan both showed no signs of cancer – PRAISE GOD!  The MRI, however, showed six tumors throughout my brain.  It was explained that our brains have a natural defense against poinsons (chemo) going to the brain so my cancer spread the only place it could – my brain.  I have three large tumors in my cerebellum, two towards the top of my head and one on the right side of my head.  So far I can do everything I used to do.  I’m mobile and can still type on my blog.  The thing I miss the most is driving.  I’ve decided not to drive because of my risk of seizure.  But thanks to the great support I haven’t had a problem getting anywhere.  Aside from being very tired I’m okay.  I know I wouldn’t be this good if it weren’t for the prayers that are being said on my behalf – thank you. 

I was released from the hospital on August 3 and have been undergoing full brain radiation treatments in Holland.  When I’m finished with radiation (roughly 9 more visits) I will begin exploring Mayo Clinic and some other options that have been presented to me.  I plan on working closely with Dr. VanderWoude and greatly respect her advice for my next steps.

Please pray that God will continue to hold our family and friends up the way only he can.  Things are working really well for us right now.  Dusty is in a deep peace of mind and that is so comforting to me.  Brooklyn has been spoiled with a social calendar unlike anything I’ve seen before and the babies are doing great with grandma and grandpa.  Samantha is even showing interest in potty training!  YIPPEEEE. 

If you haven’t had a chance to read my post to my dad about his last day of work and would like to do so, please do it.  I would love if you could share a memory or story in the comments section so I can print those for him.  He will love to read them.  It will make his day! 

P.S.  There were no train rides.  It was just a metaphor.

Prayer Requests:

No Nausea

Good sleep at night

No Headaches

Continued energy for my parents, family and friends as we walk through this together. 

Thank you to all the radom acts of kindness that are being given to us – gift cards to restaurants, Captain Sundae, fundraisers, bake sales, the list goes on and on and I just don’t feel worthy.  God has been good to our family.  I believe he will carry me through this too. 

My goal is simple:  Stay alive.  Raise my kids.  Nothing else matters. 

This morning my dad did something I never thought I would see.   He went to work at Genzink Plumbing where he has worked for 40+ years and put in his last hours.  It’s hard for me because I wanted him to do it on his own terms. 

My dad is a worker.  That’s who he is.  It defines him.  In the best way…it defines him.  He works.  That’s what he does.  It’s what he has done his whole life.   It’s what he loves to do.  He never worked at our expense.  He always included us.  He always taught us along the way.  He took us beside him and showed us what he was doing and if we were lucky, he would let us do it ourselves.  From milking a cow (I never actually did this – yuck), to stacking hay, to sodering a pipe, to sweeping a floor properly, to changing oil in our cars when we were 16. 

He grew up on a farm in South Olive, Michigan and has always been a farm boy at heart.  There is something that lives inside him to work hard for what he has.  Everything my parents have is because they’ve worked hard and have been conscientious with what they do.  They are kind and generous.   They have never hurt anyone to get what they have. 

I have many memories growing up of him receiving phone calls from neighbors, friends, family members, church members or someone in need a plumbing fix.  You know the perils – the water heater is broken, clogged toilet, overflowing something-or-other, the Mr. Fix-it’s trying to do their own work and now need the advice off a master plumber.   No matter what time of day or season – dinner hour (we always ate dinner as a family), or 9:00 at night in the dead of winter.  He would always go and help.  Not with a grudge.  He wouldn’t stomp his feet out the door shaking his head side-to-side mumbling under his breath.  He would do it with a SMILE.  He was happy to help.  He would say so-and-so needs some hot water or their toilet is clogged and they have company coming for the holidays tomorrow.  Off he would go.  Happy as a clam to do something he loved to do.  Work. 

I have more memories of job sites as a kid than what most kids would.  Genzink Plumbing has employed him well over the years and, if I may be so bold, my dad was a good employee.  I remember spending evenings in the warehouse at Genzink’s while dad would organize random parts from boxes to make the boxes complete again.  I remember going along at night with him to job sites while he worked.  I would pretend the poured concrete walls of the new homes were my balance beams and take my roller skates along to ride on the fresh poured floors.  If we were good and well behaved we would stop at the closest ice cream shop for a cone on the way home.  Yum!

It physically pains me to know that he worked his last hours today at a job he has held very well for many years.   I feel like he did it before he was ready because of me and my cancer/prognosis.  I didn’t want it to be like this.  I wanted it to be on his own terms and on his own time.  When he was ready and when he wanted to.  He deserved that much.  He earned it.

Thank you Russ and Rethea, Ross and Rick and the entire Genzink Family and team for working with my dad.  You have blessed him and our family. 

If you happen to see my dad, give him a hand shake, pat him on the back or give him a hug for what he has done. 

Even though his official days at Genzink’s may be behind him, he has a lot of work left in him and I think he’s saving it for his grandchildren. 

I love you dad.

Today was my sixth full brain radiation treatment (FBRT) and I’m feeling the effects.  I’m tired, a little foggy, nauseous and have a terrible taste in my mouth.  I have about 11 more treatments to go.  When I’m finished with my 11th treatments, it will be another two months before they know exactly how the tumors responded to the radiation.  The daily radiation I receive doesn’t mean it’s immediately killing the bad cells.  It takes time to show the response.  It’s such a scary thing. 

Last night was hard for me because I realized I could lose brain function from the radiation.  I know I’m not a genius, but I would like to think I’m fairly intelligent and the thought is scary.  I’m also not ready to lose my hair again.  Dr. Edlund said it will come out by the end of my second treatment week (the end of this week).  I thought the days of headscarves, wigs and hats were behind me.  Never say never, right?  Brooklyn prays every night that “mommy doesn’t loose her beautiful hair”.  I just tell her I’m the same person with a whole new look.  I think that’s the toughest part for her.  What six-year-old wants to see their mom without hair….again?! 

Everything is taken care of at home.  Max and Samantha are based out of my parent’s house during the week while Dusty’s working.  Brooklyn stays home with me if she doesn’t have anything on her social calendar for the day. 

Last Saturday I had to talk to Brooklyn about dialing 911.  Since I have six tumors I have a risk for a seizure.  It’s possible that she’ll be home alone with me if I happen to have one.  So I explained that if I start to shake and don’t respond to her that she needs to pick up with the phone and dial 911.  She had typical 6-year-old questions:

1.  Who is going to answer?  Will it be Anna and Riley’s daddy because he’s a police officer, you said?

2.  What do you I need to say?

3.  What if I can’t remember my address?

4.  What will they do to me?

5.  Will I go to jail? 

6.  What are they going to do to you?

Poor kid.  It seems like too much for her to have to know right now.  She’s a great kid, though and the odds are that she will not have to dial 911.  I just want her prepared. 

Thank you to everyone who signed up for the group For the Love of Lindy on Facebook.  http://www.facebook.com/home.php?#!/group.php?gid=141964462500093&ref=ts

Thank you to everyone who is signed up to participate in the Susan G Komen Race For The Cure on the Laps for Lindy team (see top right)

Please pray for:

My brain function to be protected from the effects of the radiation.

Radiation miraculously takes away all tumors. 

Dusty has been an amazing care taker for me and the kids.  The phone rang at 10:00 a.m. and when I said “hello?”  All I heard was (in a low voice) “take your pill”.  Too funny.  I totally would’ve forgot.  So thanks for those little reminders honey!  Please pray that he doesn’t grow tired of trying to “do it all”. 

Our kids.  They mean the world to us and I want to stay alive and raise them.  Please pray that the little ones will have little or no memory of this and Brooklyn will be able to roll with it.

THANK GOD for all the awesome people he has in our lives.  People who are fundraising for our family, supporting,  praying, visiting, messaging, sending cards, everything.  It means more than you know. 

Thank you Christy Pacanowski for taking our family pictures before my hair fell out again.  You go girl! 

There is no place like home. 

The last week has been incredible.  I can’t believe I’m walking around with brain tumors.  It’s a very scary thought.  I keep wondering when or if I’m going to have a seizure.  What will it be like?  Will I be alone when I have it?  Will Brooklyn see it and will it will scare her?  What do I do if I have one? 

It was so good to see my kids today.  My parents kept the babies for one more night – I am exhausted – and Brooklyn is home with us.  We had a good time tonight.  She wanted to celebrate August so we did arts and crafts to celebrate August.  Why not, right?

Dusty and I voted today (go Bill!) and yes, I got a sticker.  I’m wearing it proudly. 

My main side effect from radiation is EXTREME EXHAUSTION.  I’m not nearly as sick as I was with chemo (PRAISE GOD!).  I just sleep or want to sleep a lot.  I also have a lot of jaw pain and swelling.  My lymph nodes under my ear lobes are swollen, hard and sore.  It’s very uncomfortable.  Thankfully I see Dr. Edlund (radiation oncologist) tomorrow so he can tell me if that’s a normal side effect. 

I don’t have my permanent schedule for radiation so that’s why I haven’t posted a driving schedule.  Hopefully I will know more tomorrow.  Thank you to everyone who has offered to drive me. 

Please pray for:

• The tumors to miraculously disappear. 
• Continued smooth transition into home (away from the comfort of being at the hospital).
• A positive reaction to the radiation.
• Few side effects from the radiation (or at least that they don’t get worse – I can deal with this). 
• Dusty and the kids.  My heart aches for Dusty as he, once again, has to go back into cancer mode less than a year later.  He’s doing awesome and is great with the kids, but this is not what we expected. 
• Our parents.  Please pray for strength, support and encouragement for them.  
• Max and Samantha are still too young to get what’s going on.  They were having so much fun with my parents today which was a huge relief to see.  Running around and laughing.  The best sounds on earth. 

One simple goal listed on the whiteboard in my hosptal room – “Stay Alive”