Only two more rounds to go!  Chemo went well on Wednesday.  The port is still working well and I didn’t have a reaction to the Taxol. 

Today the achiness and pain is really starting to set in.  The good news is that I didn’t have to get a Neulasta shot after chemo because my white blood cell count was at a good level.  Neulasta can add to the bone, muscle and joint pain.  So I hope that by not having the shot I won’t be so uncomfortable this time around. 

I see an end in sight.  Thank you for your prayers, help, concern, thoughts, emails, etc.  They mean so much to me. 

Have a great weekend! 

I haven’t written in a while because I don’t have much to say.  Yesterday I started feeling better.  Tomorrow is another round of chemo.  I have three treatments left.  I absolutely do not want to go.  Part of me wishes I had treatments every three weeks so I would have a more enjoyable life.  The other part of me wants to keep trudging through so I can be done sooner.  I’ll keep trudging.  I just want this behind us.

Our lives are organized chaos right now.  Dusty is doing well.  He’s enjoying his new role at Herman Miller.  Brooklyn is having fun wrapping up summer (now that summer weather just got here).  She had a good time seeing the play Charlotte’s Web at Hope College yesterday.  Max and Samantha are great.  Samantha is not only crawling, but can occasionally pull herself to standing!  Max still does his army crawl to get around.  It’s a very interesting maneuver.

Last Wednesday I met with the genetic testing nurse and Dr. Vander Woude.   I’ve decided to go ahead with the genetic testing.  Dr. VanderWoude is happy with the progress I’m making which is very encouraging.

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It was a rough weekend.  Friday the muscle and joint pain began.  Saturday I felt like I was hit by a bus.  The pain was nearly unbearable.  It seemed to localize in my knees and legs.  Sunday was slightly better and Monday was back to a dull ache. 

Just when I thought I was getting better, I woke up today feeling like a bus hit me again.  It’s very discouraging.  Everything hurts – muscles, joints, bones.  My knees and elbows feel like I’m being stabbed with a knife.  I’m extremely tired. 

Some days, when I allow myself to think too much, I get very overwhelmed.  The road ahead is still so long.  I wish all I had to do was complete chemo and be back to normal by the end of the summer.  Instead I have to complete chemo, have a major surgery, go through 6-8 weeks of radiation and then another major reconstructive surgery.   This won’t be over until winter.  It seems so far away. 

When I think about what we’ve been through over the past year and now the cancer, I just don’t understand why this happened to us.  I didn’t plan for Brooklyn to spend her 5th year of life with a mom who is sick and can’t do the things we would like to do together.  I didn’t plan on watching other excellent care givers help raise Max and Samantha during their first year of life.  The toll this is taking on my family is staggering.  What I know for sure is that God will see us through this.  This definitely was not what we planned, but His plan is perfect.  We have to trust in that. 

I was able to tune into the webcast of Sunday morning’s church service.  The message was awesome.  So much of it spoke directly to me.  Included in some great verses, my Jeremiah verse was shared again too.  Awesome. 

¹¹ For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. ¹² Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. ¹³ You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.  Jeremiah 29:11-13

One Taxol treatment down, three to go.  It took about five hours to get chemo and went really well.  The first hour is spent giving me Benadryl and other antibiotics.  Then they started the Taxol.  My nurse, Kendra, had to sit with me for the first 20 minutes to make sure I didn’t have a reaction.  I didn’t.  Jill worked til 3 a.m. the night before and I was tired from the meds so we both took a nap!  So much for card games.  When I woke up Jill went to Wendy’s and got us lunch.  It was nice. 

We were done at the Cancer Hematology Center at 1:45 which was perfect because my surgeon appointment was at 2:00.  I learned something new on Wednesday.  Dr. Hoberman’s first name is Liberty.  I thought her maiden name was Liberty and she hyphenated it with Hoberman.  Anyway….I’m very glad I switched surgeons.  I really like Dr. Hoberman.  She was very informative about what to expect with the mastectomy and about my reconstructive options.  She discovered another spot that may need to be biopsied, but she’ll consult with Dr. VanderWoude first.  She also referred me to Dr. Dodde who could do the reconstructive surgery.  Thank you Jill for spending the day with me and being my personal chauffeur.   

So far I’ve had no nausea from the Taxol!  What a relief.   Yesterday afternoon I noticed my finger tips and feet start to tingle and hurt.  It’s nerve pain.  This morning I woke up and feel very achy from head to toe.  My finger tips and feet still hurt.  This is what they warned me about.   I have to tell ya, I’d rather have this than nausea any day of the week.  I may not say that tomorrow, but for today I’ll take it. 

Last night was rough.  I get so sick of cancer.  I get so angry that I have it.  I hate it.  It’s so hard.  I’m sick of not feeling well.  It seems so unfair.  This is Max and Samantha’s first year of life and as every parent knows, so much happens the first year.  Samantha just started crawling.  Max does a funky army crawl.  Brooklyn starts Kindergarten in a month.  I want to take her to pick out a back pack and lunch box, but I just don’t feel good.  These are things you want to do with your kids.  I never imagined her starting Kindergarten and me having cancer.  It’s hard to truly enjoy my kids when I feel so sick and tired all the time.  So I had a pity party for myself last night. 

The sun is shining this morning and it’s going to be a beautiful day.  Brooklyn is going to see Click Clack Moo this morning at Hope College.  I’ll sit outside and get some fresh air and hopefully a new outlook on my life.   

Next week I meet with Dr. Iakiri, the genetic testing doctor at the Cancer Hematology Center.   

Thank you for your prayers.  I’m so thankful that I don’t have nausea.  I’m thankful that I’m going through chemo in the summer so I can go outside and get fresh air.  I’m thankful for everyone who is helping us with Brooklyn, Max and Samantha.  Have a great day!

Today was the first day in a week that I woke up and didn’t want to vomit!  I felt so good, in fact, that I went to Brooklyn’s dance recital this morning at Zeeland Rec.  They put on a very nice show.  You can check out her Lion King dance by clicking on the “Links” tab and then click on the You Tube link.  I was so excited to see her dance that I even wore mascara!  I know this sounds strange, but I’m freaked out about my eyelashes falling out and I’ve convinced myself that if I don’t wear mascara they won’t.  So I haven’t worn it since my first chemo treatment.  I know it’s silly.  Leave me alone I have cancer.  I figured Brooklyn’s dance recital is the best place to walk on the wild side and be brave wearing mascara.  So far, no lashes have been lost in the wearing of my mascara. 

This is the first time I went anywhere in a week besides the Cancer Hematology Center.  Which, by the way, is becoming my home away from home.   Although it has a very distinct smell that hits me the moment I walk in the door.  It’s not a good smell.  It smells clinical and like a hospital, only worse.  

Random people are so nice.  On Monday, I was at the Center alone in the waiting room assuming my usual position – bent over in the chair with my face in my hands because I feel terrible.  An older gentleman came in and sat down.  After a minute I looked up at him and smiled.  He said “beautiful day isn’t it?”  All I could say was “it is.” and went back to my position.   The nurse called his name and as he walked past me he touched my shoulder and said “I just said a prayer for you.”  How nice is that! 

Comic Relief Moment 

Chemo brain still affects me.  Here are the top moments of chemo brain:

1.  I throw garbage down the laundry chute and laundry in the garbage.

2.  I call Samantha Brooklyn and Brooklyn Samantha.

3.  I told Dusty our dryer was broken and we needed a new one because it wasn’t drying the clothes.  In reality, I forgot to turn it on.  Twice.

4.  I don’t know what day it is.  I’m serious.  What day is it?

5.  I can’t remember if I took a pill.  I have to write it down when I take it, otherwise I won’t dare take another one for fear of an overdose.   I’ve got enough problems.  An overdose is not something I need right now.   

6.  I forget conversations I’ve had with Dusty.  I know this could be to my advantage, but I find it annoying. 

7.  I can’t drive for a week after chemo.  I can’t process four way stops. 

8.  I can’t read books for a week after chemo.  The words jumble together and I forget what I read so I have to start over. 

9.  I forget to call people back.  I’m sorry if you’ve called me and I haven’t returned your call.

10.  I can’t watch a movie or TV right after chemo.  The pictures move so fast that I can’t comprehend what’s happening.  Crazy. 

On A Serious Note:

I was thinking yesterday about the incredible support we’ve received from people.  I’ve learned how to help people in so many new ways.  Some of you send me cards once a week!  I’ve always sent one card.  I had no idea that a simple card could be so nice.  From now on, I’m going to try sending more than one card.  Taking care of kids.  Bringing a meal or cookies or fruit or flowers.  Sending gift cards.  Mowing a lawn.  Staining a swingset.  Setting up a meal schedule.  Setting up a childcare schedule.  Praying for us.  Playdates for Brooke.  Offering help to my parents and friends. 

THANK YOU for showing us how to truly be the hands and feet of Christ.  I really mean it.  I can’t wait to be on the other side and offer help to any of you who ever need it.  I pray for you every day.  That you’ll be blessed by being a blessing to us.  Thank you!

I went to chemo yesterday and met with Dr. Vander Woude.  Here are a few pieces of great news! 

• My tumor continues to shrink. 
• This is my last round of Adriamycin and Cytoxan (A/C).
• Dr. VanderWoude is encouraged by how well my body is reacting to the chemo.
• My port was accessed on the first try. 

My next round of chemo, Taxol, will begin in two weeks.  Dr. VanderWoude assured me that it won’t be so bad.  Just different symptoms.  Lots of muscle and bone aches and the fatigue will still be present.  They will give me steroids to help with that.  The nausea shouldn’t be a problem (yeah!). 

Once Taxol is complete, they need to wait for my blood counts to elevate which takes a couple weeks and then I’ll have surgery.  So we’re looking at early October for the mastectomy to occur.  We still don’t know if it will be a double mastectomy or a single one.  We are waiting for insurance to approve the genetic gene blood test.  If I test positive for it, I’ll probably get a double mastectomy.  The fact that surgery will happen in October is a bummer for me because Max and Samantha’s birthday are on October 15 and Brooklyn’s is October 23.  If you know me, I like to plan parties.  It will be hard to do that and participate fully if I’m recovering from surgery.  Hopefully we’ll figure something out.  🙂

I have been receiving cards from you every day.  It blows me away that after all these months I still receive cards in the mail.  It’s awesome.  I had one day where I didn’t get a card and I thought “okay they’re bound to stop at some point.  No biggie”.  The following day I got another card and they’ve been coming ever since.  So thank you for the cards.  I have quite a collection going.  I even reread them when I need some encouragement or laughs.

Dusty and I took a picture of us together with our bald heads.  We laughed so hard we cried.  It’s quite the picture.  Someday, if I’m brave enough, I will post it for all you to get a laugh at as well. 

Today I go in for my Neulasta shot (this raises my white blood cells to fight off infection) and fluids.  Tomorrow is more fluids and anti nausea.  Monday is more fluids and anti nausea. 

Thank you for your prayers.