It was a rough weekend.  Friday the muscle and joint pain began.  Saturday I felt like I was hit by a bus.  The pain was nearly unbearable.  It seemed to localize in my knees and legs.  Sunday was slightly better and Monday was back to a dull ache. 

Just when I thought I was getting better, I woke up today feeling like a bus hit me again.  It’s very discouraging.  Everything hurts – muscles, joints, bones.  My knees and elbows feel like I’m being stabbed with a knife.  I’m extremely tired. 

Some days, when I allow myself to think too much, I get very overwhelmed.  The road ahead is still so long.  I wish all I had to do was complete chemo and be back to normal by the end of the summer.  Instead I have to complete chemo, have a major surgery, go through 6-8 weeks of radiation and then another major reconstructive surgery.   This won’t be over until winter.  It seems so far away. 

When I think about what we’ve been through over the past year and now the cancer, I just don’t understand why this happened to us.  I didn’t plan for Brooklyn to spend her 5th year of life with a mom who is sick and can’t do the things we would like to do together.  I didn’t plan on watching other excellent care givers help raise Max and Samantha during their first year of life.  The toll this is taking on my family is staggering.  What I know for sure is that God will see us through this.  This definitely was not what we planned, but His plan is perfect.  We have to trust in that. 

I was able to tune into the webcast of Sunday morning’s church service.  The message was awesome.  So much of it spoke directly to me.  Included in some great verses, my Jeremiah verse was shared again too.  Awesome. 

¹¹ For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. ¹² Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. ¹³ You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.  Jeremiah 29:11-13

One Taxol treatment down, three to go.  It took about five hours to get chemo and went really well.  The first hour is spent giving me Benadryl and other antibiotics.  Then they started the Taxol.  My nurse, Kendra, had to sit with me for the first 20 minutes to make sure I didn’t have a reaction.  I didn’t.  Jill worked til 3 a.m. the night before and I was tired from the meds so we both took a nap!  So much for card games.  When I woke up Jill went to Wendy’s and got us lunch.  It was nice. 

We were done at the Cancer Hematology Center at 1:45 which was perfect because my surgeon appointment was at 2:00.  I learned something new on Wednesday.  Dr. Hoberman’s first name is Liberty.  I thought her maiden name was Liberty and she hyphenated it with Hoberman.  Anyway….I’m very glad I switched surgeons.  I really like Dr. Hoberman.  She was very informative about what to expect with the mastectomy and about my reconstructive options.  She discovered another spot that may need to be biopsied, but she’ll consult with Dr. VanderWoude first.  She also referred me to Dr. Dodde who could do the reconstructive surgery.  Thank you Jill for spending the day with me and being my personal chauffeur.   

So far I’ve had no nausea from the Taxol!  What a relief.   Yesterday afternoon I noticed my finger tips and feet start to tingle and hurt.  It’s nerve pain.  This morning I woke up and feel very achy from head to toe.  My finger tips and feet still hurt.  This is what they warned me about.   I have to tell ya, I’d rather have this than nausea any day of the week.  I may not say that tomorrow, but for today I’ll take it. 

Last night was rough.  I get so sick of cancer.  I get so angry that I have it.  I hate it.  It’s so hard.  I’m sick of not feeling well.  It seems so unfair.  This is Max and Samantha’s first year of life and as every parent knows, so much happens the first year.  Samantha just started crawling.  Max does a funky army crawl.  Brooklyn starts Kindergarten in a month.  I want to take her to pick out a back pack and lunch box, but I just don’t feel good.  These are things you want to do with your kids.  I never imagined her starting Kindergarten and me having cancer.  It’s hard to truly enjoy my kids when I feel so sick and tired all the time.  So I had a pity party for myself last night. 

The sun is shining this morning and it’s going to be a beautiful day.  Brooklyn is going to see Click Clack Moo this morning at Hope College.  I’ll sit outside and get some fresh air and hopefully a new outlook on my life.   

Next week I meet with Dr. Iakiri, the genetic testing doctor at the Cancer Hematology Center.   

Thank you for your prayers.  I’m so thankful that I don’t have nausea.  I’m thankful that I’m going through chemo in the summer so I can go outside and get fresh air.  I’m thankful for everyone who is helping us with Brooklyn, Max and Samantha.  Have a great day!

Today was the first day in a week that I woke up and didn’t want to vomit!  I felt so good, in fact, that I went to Brooklyn’s dance recital this morning at Zeeland Rec.  They put on a very nice show.  You can check out her Lion King dance by clicking on the “Links” tab and then click on the You Tube link.  I was so excited to see her dance that I even wore mascara!  I know this sounds strange, but I’m freaked out about my eyelashes falling out and I’ve convinced myself that if I don’t wear mascara they won’t.  So I haven’t worn it since my first chemo treatment.  I know it’s silly.  Leave me alone I have cancer.  I figured Brooklyn’s dance recital is the best place to walk on the wild side and be brave wearing mascara.  So far, no lashes have been lost in the wearing of my mascara. 

This is the first time I went anywhere in a week besides the Cancer Hematology Center.  Which, by the way, is becoming my home away from home.   Although it has a very distinct smell that hits me the moment I walk in the door.  It’s not a good smell.  It smells clinical and like a hospital, only worse.  

Random people are so nice.  On Monday, I was at the Center alone in the waiting room assuming my usual position – bent over in the chair with my face in my hands because I feel terrible.  An older gentleman came in and sat down.  After a minute I looked up at him and smiled.  He said “beautiful day isn’t it?”  All I could say was “it is.” and went back to my position.   The nurse called his name and as he walked past me he touched my shoulder and said “I just said a prayer for you.”  How nice is that! 

Comic Relief Moment 

Chemo brain still affects me.  Here are the top moments of chemo brain:

1.  I throw garbage down the laundry chute and laundry in the garbage.

2.  I call Samantha Brooklyn and Brooklyn Samantha.

3.  I told Dusty our dryer was broken and we needed a new one because it wasn’t drying the clothes.  In reality, I forgot to turn it on.  Twice.

4.  I don’t know what day it is.  I’m serious.  What day is it?

5.  I can’t remember if I took a pill.  I have to write it down when I take it, otherwise I won’t dare take another one for fear of an overdose.   I’ve got enough problems.  An overdose is not something I need right now.   

6.  I forget conversations I’ve had with Dusty.  I know this could be to my advantage, but I find it annoying. 

7.  I can’t drive for a week after chemo.  I can’t process four way stops. 

8.  I can’t read books for a week after chemo.  The words jumble together and I forget what I read so I have to start over. 

9.  I forget to call people back.  I’m sorry if you’ve called me and I haven’t returned your call.

10.  I can’t watch a movie or TV right after chemo.  The pictures move so fast that I can’t comprehend what’s happening.  Crazy. 

On A Serious Note:

I was thinking yesterday about the incredible support we’ve received from people.  I’ve learned how to help people in so many new ways.  Some of you send me cards once a week!  I’ve always sent one card.  I had no idea that a simple card could be so nice.  From now on, I’m going to try sending more than one card.  Taking care of kids.  Bringing a meal or cookies or fruit or flowers.  Sending gift cards.  Mowing a lawn.  Staining a swingset.  Setting up a meal schedule.  Setting up a childcare schedule.  Praying for us.  Playdates for Brooke.  Offering help to my parents and friends. 

THANK YOU for showing us how to truly be the hands and feet of Christ.  I really mean it.  I can’t wait to be on the other side and offer help to any of you who ever need it.  I pray for you every day.  That you’ll be blessed by being a blessing to us.  Thank you!

I went to chemo yesterday and met with Dr. Vander Woude.  Here are a few pieces of great news! 

• My tumor continues to shrink. 
• This is my last round of Adriamycin and Cytoxan (A/C).
• Dr. VanderWoude is encouraged by how well my body is reacting to the chemo.
• My port was accessed on the first try. 

My next round of chemo, Taxol, will begin in two weeks.  Dr. VanderWoude assured me that it won’t be so bad.  Just different symptoms.  Lots of muscle and bone aches and the fatigue will still be present.  They will give me steroids to help with that.  The nausea shouldn’t be a problem (yeah!). 

Once Taxol is complete, they need to wait for my blood counts to elevate which takes a couple weeks and then I’ll have surgery.  So we’re looking at early October for the mastectomy to occur.  We still don’t know if it will be a double mastectomy or a single one.  We are waiting for insurance to approve the genetic gene blood test.  If I test positive for it, I’ll probably get a double mastectomy.  The fact that surgery will happen in October is a bummer for me because Max and Samantha’s birthday are on October 15 and Brooklyn’s is October 23.  If you know me, I like to plan parties.  It will be hard to do that and participate fully if I’m recovering from surgery.  Hopefully we’ll figure something out.  🙂

I have been receiving cards from you every day.  It blows me away that after all these months I still receive cards in the mail.  It’s awesome.  I had one day where I didn’t get a card and I thought “okay they’re bound to stop at some point.  No biggie”.  The following day I got another card and they’ve been coming ever since.  So thank you for the cards.  I have quite a collection going.  I even reread them when I need some encouragement or laughs.

Dusty and I took a picture of us together with our bald heads.  We laughed so hard we cried.  It’s quite the picture.  Someday, if I’m brave enough, I will post it for all you to get a laugh at as well. 

Today I go in for my Neulasta shot (this raises my white blood cells to fight off infection) and fluids.  Tomorrow is more fluids and anti nausea.  Monday is more fluids and anti nausea. 

Thank you for your prayers. 

I am doing much better today.  No nausea.  No pills.  No fluids today.  Just a blood draw.  I slept last night.  I’m so tired.  I can do tired.  I have twins.  Tired is nothing. 

I don’t have anything new to update you with.  Just going through the ins and outs of cancer and chemo.  Wishing I had a fast forward button so this could all be behind us. 

I have realized lately how this is affecting Brooklyn.  This is hard for adults to deal with so it’s gotta be tough for a 5-year-old.  She was crying the other day that she wants her mama back.  Having people in the house to help with Brooke, Max and Samantha is such a blessing, but it’s really different for her.  She said she wants me to take her to Captain Sundae, swimming, the park, make her lunch, and not other people.  Basic stuff.  I explained that I will someday soon and that right now I’m fighting cancer.  She asked if cancer was fighting me back and I said yes, cancer and I are in a fight right now, but I’m going to win.   Because I will.  I’m going to win. 

I caught her giggling at my bald head the other day.  I’m glad I can still make her laugh.  🙂 

It has been a ROUGH couple of days.  It started Saturday afternoon.  I was feeling really sick and not quite right.  Sunday I was feeling worse than what I’ve ever felt before.  I was nauseous, vomiting, my bones hurt, everything hurt everywhere, etc.  Jill drove me to Prime Care and sat with me while they pumped me full of fluids, but it didn’t make me feel better.  It was a bummer to go through all that and not improve.  We found out my white blood count was quite high, but no one knew exactly what that meant.  Jill turned into a pit bull (I say that lovingly) and started figuring things out as best she could.  She made phone calls, asked all the right questions, helped figure out if I should go home or move on to the ER.  We decided to pack up and go home. I’m so thankful for friends like Jill.  She was my rock yesterday. 

Last night was not fun.  I hardly slept which means that Dusty hardly slept.  Poor guy.  He’s a great husband though and went with me today to get fluids and help sort things out at the Cancer and Hematology Center.

Samantha is feeling much better and is more like herself.  She even started waving!  Too cute.  Neither Max or Samantha are crawling yet, but they will be soon.  Brooke enjoyed the day at the pool with some friends. 

I’m so thankful for all the help – Dusty, my parents, Alisha, our friends and family.  Honestly, I don’t know what we would do without them.  The thought scares me.   

Happy Fourth of July everyone!  I hope you’re enjoying the fourth with your friends and/or family and having a safe fun time. 

I am missing the fourth this year because I’m in the middle of a miserable weekend.  Full of nausea, discomfort, sleep, disconnectedness, etc.  I look forward to the Fourth next year though and celebrating it with our family.

Dusty and Brooklyn had a camp out in the yard last night.  It’s Brooklyn’s favorite thing to do in the summer with her dad.  They pitched the tent, put the babies to bed, made smores and went to the fireworks at Kollen’s Park.  I was in bed at 8 pm so I missed all of it, but they said they had a great time. 

Samantha is still sick so I’m quite worried about her.  She’s been throwing up and not herself.  We think it’s a side effect of the medicine she was on for her ear infection.  I hope it’s nothing serious.  We’re keeping an eye on it.   Please pray that she perk up and get better. 

The nausea is still quite intense for me and my back hurts from the shot.  I’m starting to understand and accept the cycle of chemo.  I’m learning to accept the horrible weeks full of aches, pains, nausea, discomfort and to enjoy the good week that follows.  Besides, only one more horrible round of A/C.  Then I start Taxol (sp?) which I hope is much better. 

Thank you for your prayers.  God is good and will see me through this. 

I saw Dr. VanderWoude (oncologist) this morning.  I’m happy and thankful to say the tumor is shrinking!  She was pleased with how much smaller it is today than the last two visits.  It makes suffering through chemo worth it.  I was hoping this meant I would only have one more round of A/C.  No luck.  She reminded me that the four rounds following A/C aren’t as bad.  She said in a month I will feel better than what I do now.  I can’t wait to rejoin society.  🙂

Speaking of chemo, I have another round tomorrow.  I hate what it does to me.  We have to laugh because in addition to making me sick, it makes me very confused.  I can’t remember conversations.  I can’t process the simplest things.  I feel so disconnected and foggy.  It’s very strange.

DISCLAIMER:  If I have a conversation with you between tomorrow and next Wednesday I may not remember what we talked about.  Please accept my apologies in advance.  🙂

Lately Brooklyn has been testing words to see if they’re “naughty words”.  Her latest words are hate and dumb.  I can tell if she’s about to test a word by how she approaches me.  Yesterday she came up to me, cocked her head to the side, scrunched her nose and said “mom?” (uh-oh naughty word is coming).  “I hate cancer.  It’s dumb.”  I laughed.  I hate it too.  Then I explained how hate is a strong word and dumb isn’t nice…blah…blah…blah

I meet with the radiation oncologist tomorrow, Dr. Edlund.  I think he’s going to tell me if I need radiation before surgery, after surgery or both.  I’ll let you know.

So my tumor is shrinking.  Chemo is working.  A week of misery is coming.  My strength and endurance come only from God.  There is no other explanation for how I’m getting through this. 

He is using you to help me too.  Thank you for your prayers and communication.  Please keep them coming because they keep me going. 

I am happy to report that my bone scan is clear!  Thank God!  This is another amazing answer to prayer.  Thank you for your faithfulness in praying for me and my family.  I am so relieved.  You are good and wonderful people.  We are so blessed to have you in our lives. 

Did I depress you after my last doom and gloom update?  Sorry about that.  Sometimes I just have to unleash.  Thank you for your comments and communication.  They made me feel so much better. 

I’m feeling better today.  I’m starting to realize that I have one bad week (right after chemo) followed by an okay week.  I’ll take what I can get ya know?  I had a good time hanging out with the Jill’s today.  Jill G hung out with me all day and took care of my kids.  Jill B cleaned my house and gave me a mini pedi.  Tammy and the kids brought some beautiful flowers and notes.  Thank God for great friends! 

Some of you were wondering if our new carpet got wet over the weekend.  It turns out the carpet didn’t come in Friday so it hasn’t been put down yet.  It’s a good thing because we did get a little wet. 

The bone scan and fluids went well on Monday.  I had some really nice techs at Holland Hospital who hung out with me during the scan.  🙂  The nurse at the cancer center was able to access my port on the first try.  Big relief.  I called for the results of the bone scan today, but I haven’t heard back yet.  I also got my labs drawn today and I’m assuming no news is good news.  

The kids are doing well.  Over the past three days Brooklyn learned how to swim and is brave enough to jump off the diving board (thanks Monica)!   She’s going to VBS at Community Reformed Church and having a ball with that.  Samantha is battling a double ear infection and Max is still our chill little dude.  

Thanks for checking in.  I’ll let you know the results of the bone scan as soon as I get it.  Have a great night!